Day 5.1

Friday

Five days in and no one has me really excited. I receive 7 matches every day (I should go to Vegas and bet on 7...) but as before, most aren't really "matches". But it's early so I'm still optimistic. I am in first question stages with two guys...

One is a match from before actually. He sent me first questions and I didn't answer them because of *Arizona but I didn't close the match either because there was a lot in his profile that I really liked. His pictures are...inconclusive haha. Let's call him...*Johannesburg. In some pics he seems cute, some...not as cute but he's definitely adventurous and travels and I do like his profile. I don't know if I waited too long to respond that he won't answer my questions but I guess we'll see...

The other is again a guy who's profile I really like, he loves this city like I do and seems to enjoy a lot of the same activities. *Detroit sent me his first questions the day after we were matched, I answered and sent him mine today. I'm not really excited but he seems sweet and genuine and has a nice smile so I'll decide whether to MH/CS with him if he answers my questions.

For those curious about whether I've called *Arizona...I haven't. Some days I care, some days I don't. It doesn't help that I can see his name on my "communicating" page. Hmmm, never thought of it before but I guess I could close the match and see if he sends me one last reply but that seems too passive aggressive for me. I'm much more likely to call him. Damn, writing about it makes me want to call him. So ya, apparently there's more to this story. But then hopefully someone will come up on eharmony and I'll forget all about him.

I have a feeling someone will appear this weekend that I'll be excited about...wish me luck!!

Tally for Day 5.1...

1st Questions asked of me: 2
1st Questions answered by me: 2
1st Questions sent by me: 2

Day 1.1

Saturday

I'm back! Apparently what appears too good to be true...probably is. Turns out Arizona isn't all that interested in a relationship - or at least, not one with me. So be it. We had some absolutely wonderful dates, I really liked him and saw potential which is, as you probably know by now, more than I've really felt in years of dating so all in all - a successful first attempt at eharmony.

For anyone wanting more details...I don't think he was over being married and not looking to move forward at the pace I was. A date once a month isn't enough for me. For a guy on eharmony I made the assumption he wanted a relationship and in all of our dates he sounded like he did. But actions speak louder than words. And he seemed a bit self-absorbed - not that I'm going to trash him because he wasn't that into me, but he was - ask my friends. haha! We all get busy but at the end of the day that's just an excuse. If you like someone, you find time to be with them. I'm a bit confused about the whole Arizona situation and haven't had the closure that I do kind of want. I still think there's a phone call I'm going to make to him. I do like him and I know he likes me. So maybe I'll make the call to leave the door open for perhaps another time...or maybe I won't. I'll keep you posted. For interests sake, he is still on eharmony and has changed a couple of words in his profile so I know it's at least an active account...wierd that we could still communicate via the site but that seems very weird and I won' be doing that!

I said I wasn't going to try it again - eharmony that is - or at least not right away. I thought maybe I'd try again in the winter when there are fewer patios to sit on and more hours at the computer. And then...eharmony sent me a coupon I couldn't resist. 3 months for the price of the first one I already tried. And frankly, there was another guy in "real life" I saw a couple of times but it wasn't right either, so I've got nothing else going on...why not? You have to hand it to them, those marketers, they really know how to lure you in and keep you! But to be fair, my first experience was really positive and I've been telling everyone that's curious to go for it, that you have nothing really to lose, so I'm listening to my own advice. And if there is something I learned from this first go around, it's that I am ready and actively looking for a great guy to share my life with - for however long, but I am looking. I know they say you find someone when you aren't looking but that hasn't worked for me either!

I missed the blog too. Not that I would trade it for a relationship but I have enjoyed the self-discovery that comes from relating this experience and saying it out loud. As an analytical gal I have really enjoyed it and getting me writing every day has been good for me.

So I've started the days over with 1.1 and will let you know how it goes! Waiting for my first matches to come through...wish me luck!

Tally for Day 1.1...

Eharmony relationships failed: 1
Optimism for another go at it: limitless!

Day 26

Tuesday

Day 26...less than a week to go in the month long subscription. Updates? I turned off the automatic renewal on eharmony and have had less and less interest in looking at new matches. But I still look.

Interestingly, the day after I wrote that it was funny the other guys I had been communicating with were strangely silent, they must have heard me - the next day *Chicago answered my 3 short answer questions and asked his own, and another guy initiated with me that I'd put in my "interested" column. I haven't responded, I'm not going to. I can't imagine either of them being remotely as endearing, charming, mature, sweet - okay, okay, I'll stop - as *Arizona.

Speaking of...I had another great date with *Arizona! I even introduced him to *Stevie! She thinks he's great too - very important. I don't think I've introduced someone so early to friends nor wanted to - nor been out with a guy willing to be introduced at this point. I can't wait for him to meet everyone, my friends, my family, my whole life. I want to share all the parts of my life that matter to me, with him. We continue to connect on all sorts of levels that seem beyond chance. We talk for hours upon hours and enjoy so many of the same things, agree on so many important world issues and - oh wait, distracted, he just called :-) Needless to say...I keep getting told by friends and coworkers that they've never seen me like this.

Anyway, the point is that I think I've found someone great - or rather, eharmony introduced me to someone great. I am closing all the matches I get and instead of telling them "I want to pursue other matches at eharmony", I've switched to "I'm pursuing another relationship". Because I think that's what I'm doing - I certainly hope so anyway!

But back to eharmony...I mentioned last time that I thought I'd exhausted the interesting matches available. I no longer believe that to be true. I think without *Arizona, that there are anywhere from 10-15 guys I'd be interested in talking to, at least initially - many new ones pop up every day. It's quite fascinating still. And many of whom have initiated communication with me (but I haven't reciprocated). Granted, my heart isn't in it, but I've been objectively looking at this as an experiment and this blog as a way to share my opinions on eharmony. Even knowing I might be extremely lucky, blessed, due, whatever, in finding *Arizona right off the bat, even without that, I'm recommending it! And if you ask around I think you'll hear a lot of similar stories. I've certainly heard my share which I wouldn't have believed without this experience but now know to be true.

So I've closed matches I knew there was absolutely no interest in and I haven't answered a few others, but I know a part of that is that I have one week left - less than now - and there's still that "what if", "where's the other shoe dropping" part of me that makes me hang on - even though I have very few doubts about *Arizona. I'm just really rational and haven't found anything like this in almost a decade so I am a touch sceptical. Not to mention my vehement arguments that online dating wouldn't work for me! I do believe I deserve to find something real like this and am so hopeful it continues. I believe it will, I've had no reason to think otherwise. since the moment I met him. How refreshing to be into someone that is into me. It shouldn't be that hard, but it has been for me. I'm so excited for what's next for us.

I am sad to see such an early end to this blog, I have really been enjoying it. And sharing my experiences for anyone curious. I will say it again - TRY IT. You have nothing to lose...and perhaps...a great relationship to gain. One month, $60...money forgotten about a week in. TRY IT. And tell me how it goes! Who knows? Maybe that's the next installment of Digital Liaisons...

When Day 30 hits, I'll send another update. From what I can tell right now, I'll be with *Arizona so give me a little leeway on the timing haha.

And as always...wish me luck!!

Tally for Day 26:

Great Guys Met: 1
Relationships Building: 1
Hopes for the future: Infinite!

Should you try it? Y.E.S.

Day 21

Thursday

I feel like I should post a warning, that this might be a long post - but it might also be my last about eharmony. Not just because I've taken a few days off, but because it's going to be introspective. Clearly this process, adventure, journey whatever the heck this is, has changed for me. I went from fairly passive observer to a very active and smitten participant. It went from online to live, real life, faster and better than I ever could have imagined. So how do I share it with you?

I guess I should start with an update. I had a second, amazing date with *Arizona. He's incredible. We're reciprocally enamoured in a way I've never experienced before. I have no insecurities - well, I'd love to have my 28 year old body back but you know, we're talking about real life here ;-) I am already starting to want him to meet my friends, my family, share my life in a way I've never experienced. I don't know if I've ever said that - not for real. He makes me nervous and shy and excited and safe and open and hopeful...are you nauseated yet?

To be honest, I've spent most of my dating life trying to be whatever I thought the guy I was with wanted. I assessed a situation and adapted to it instead of putting what I want out there and seeing if it came back to me. Which this experience has been all about. I kind of hope that seems silly to you. I hope you don't associate with it at all... Up front, I'm on a site about finding a partner, a relationship. Up front, I'm telling random strangers who I am and what I want in that partner. Up front, I'm telling men what I "must have & can't stand" fundamentally in a partner.

For me, this is a complete turnaround. I've specialized in men that are selfish, that aren't emotionally mature, that can't say they want to see me next week without worrying I'm planning our wedding which they ultimately have no interest in. Which, if they'd spent any time getting to know me at all would realize isn't what I want either, but it's always been about them, not me. I've sought these men out. I've found lots of them that weren't even single. It was easier, I invested less, I risked less, and I got less. Way less. I get now, at 32, that it was what I was putting out there. And what I found as a result. What a revelation.

Regardless of whether *Arizona and I end up happily ever after (however we both define that), this 3 week experience has been an experience that real life dating might never have given me. I admit this blog has participated in that learning experience. I'm a private person. I started sharing this with my friends yet quickly wanted to share it with whoever wanted to read it. I got there because of the hugely positive reaction by anyone that's read any part of this. Again, what you put out there, is what you get back. I believe that. I always did but it was lip service before - in terms of relationships for me - it's how I operate in the rest of my life which has been very successful - why I sacrificed that for what is perhaps the most important part of my life - I have no idea. But I'm learning - hopefully, I've learned.

But back to *Arizona :-) It's shockingly bizarre how many things we have in common that we could never have known nor could eharmony have known. And yet eharmony matched us - immediately. We have probably crossed paths numerous times in the last 5 years - realistically, many, many times. But it took this strange online world to connect us. Why? How? Who cares? I'm not going to philosophize or justify or claim that eharmony has some sort of magic that I couldn't have found on my own. Nor am I going to say that it seems to have worked for me therefore it will work for you. I'm going to get back to that later...

So what is happening in my eharmony life? I get about 7-10 matches a day. I do look at them all - definitely not with the fervour and immediacy that I did when I started this but I look all the same. I'm human, I'm curious, I've paid for it. And I've had two dates with *Arizona. But it's in no way a safety net, I'm out there with *Arizona, no reservations, no holding back, I'm 100% in. I am smiling like an idiot savant as I walk down the street, I look forward to everything that's next for us - in time... Wait, here I am talking about *Arizona again. I was trying to talk about my eharmony experience...

Okay, so coincidentally, or not, the other guys I was talking to have been silent and absent - *Chicago and *Minnesota. Clearly they are pursuing other matches and yet they aren't so far gone as to close our communication. In fairness, neither have I. I think it's the "waiting for the other shoe to drop", or, "too good to be true" part of this that has me holding off on closing them myself. We aren't talking about 20 guys here, we're talking about 2. I've ignored or closed every other offer for contact since. No one can compete with *Arizona. Is it because he's real? No. I mean yes of course that has to factor in, but so much more importantly, it's because he's amazing, to me.

I went through the motions of cancelling my membership today. What does that mean? For anyone interested, it's a fairly cryptic system where they will automatically charge your credit card the day your month expires if you don't find this "cancellation" page. I knew this going in. But today I went to close it. It says that if I select this, the day my month expires, I cease to exist on eharmony. I'm totally fine with that. But did I close it? No. Why? I don't know. I will. I'm sure of it. Next week. I have time yet. Writing this, I feel a bit ridiculous.

I feel that I've probably been matched with anyone currently in the database that's of any interest to me. There are a whole lot of matches I am surprised eharmony deems worthy of sending me. I feel like if this doesn't work with *Arizona and I, that I'll definitely be done with eharmony for a while. I'll take a break, I'll take the summer off, I'm not desperate, I love my life and I'm now so in touch with myself I feel like I have whole new lease on my dating life. If after whatever amount of time, I want to try again, I'll shell out the $60 for another month. I have NO intention of sitting on this site month after month - even for just $20 a month - in hopes that the perfect guy is going to sign on while I sit waiting. I think it's the sitting and waiting part that disinterests me. I love my life. I tried this for fun, out of curiosity, because I felt I needed to for some reason, maybe just to get me writing more often. And hopelessly romantically, because maybe I was supposed to meet *Arizona.

So my advice? Try it. IF and it's a big IF, several of them really...IF you really can be honest with yourself in filling out the extensive profile. IF you do know what you really want. IF you are willing to put it out there. IF you can be open minded about someone's profile that might at the start, rub you the wrong way but that you can trust your instincts to pursue. IF, IF, IF. I think I was in the right place personally, emotionally, whatever-ally, for this to work. I'm not trying to deter you, I'm really trying to encourage you if you're wavering, if you're wondering. You really have nothing to lose. It's very safe and nothing if not entertaining! I also have read the data that it seems to work best for 30 somethings in densely populated areas. I'm a perfect market for their "system". But it's working for me - the data is correct. Beyond my analytical, cynical, optimistically rational self, it's working. Beyond all my reservations. Beyond my best hopes. Just know that what you put out there is what you get back. I'm glad I'm finally learning it. Seems so simple but man, its taken me a long time to learn it. And who knew this experience would teach me. Me, that thought I was immune, above, insusceptible, probably not going to be touched by this experience. Sometimes, I love being wrong.

So where does that leave us? My readers - I can't tell you how grateful I've been that any of you are reading and are interested - beyond my girls that I hope support whatever fanciful idea I come up with ;-) - but I am already at the point where it's very personal. I hope I'm not delusional to think that if I shared this with *Arizona, that he'd find it flattering? I haven't read back to see if I really believe that to be true. But this ceases to be an eharmony blog now, it's a relationship blog and I'm not sure that's fair to him. I'm still new to this blogging world.

I do promise to write again before the month expires. I do promise to update you again. Beyond that, I'm not sure. If this started as an eharmony blog then it ends here with - try it.

If it continues to be an outlet I need and enjoy then I'll figure that out. I'm just not sure how I can share this with you and not with him. Or how if I share with you and him that I can be real with either of you. I always anticipated this, I just didn't think it would happen so quickly. Or with so much anticipation and joy on my part. I think honestly that I was so much more ready for it to go on with me still not finding anyone to share my life with, with some dates with varying successes - a "sunglasses guy" here and there haha. *Arizona has taken me completely by surprise and I'm "loving every minute of it" for you Seinfeld fans :-)

Wish me luck!

Tally for Day 21:

Real life relationships happening: 1 !!!

Day 16

Sunday

Here's where the online world gets a little weird for me. This constant access and ability to see what someone is doing when they aren't communicating with you is weird. Or maybe just needs some getting used to...

So I had a great conversation with *Arizona yesterday - initiated by a text from me and what I kind of thought might result in a call back from him - which it did. We talked for 25 minutes and solidified plans for next week. He was on his way to his brother's and I was on my way to a friend's birthday party...

I logged into eharmony this morning - out of curiosity, it's become part of a routine of sorts. I had 9 new matches today - none worth mentioning. But here's the thing...in my "match update" section it says *Arizona updated his profile. So I looked, he's added two pictures. - yesterday, after we talked as far as I know. He hasn't been to my profile since Friday and I hadn't been to his either but now he's going to know I looked at his.

In no way do I expect that he's done with eharmony any more than I am. I think it might frighten me more to know after one date and a couple of conversations that he was ready to throw in the towel on dating, as romantic a gesture as that might be... But that doesn't change the fact that it's strange. And now he'll see that I looked at him, which means that he knows I was a) on the eharmony site and b) he may realize I know he changed his profile.

I guess it's just that in real life I wouldn't know any of these things. Perhaps it would be the same if were were facebook friends, stalking each other as seems to be the norm for people these days. And yet the difference is we're both on a fairly serious dating site and can see at least in little ways, whether the other has been on it or not. Ignorance might have some bliss to it yet...

I know, I'm blogging about him and he doesn't even know and that might become a much bigger issue than the small fact that we're both still looking at eharmony. And at some point, this might all come out in the wash. I'm sharing only in the interests of somewhat full disclosure that I'm still finding parts of this whole process weird and difficult.

But, ultimately, I'm going to trust in the fact that I'm so excited to see him in a couple of days and am already thinking about the time after that...

Wish me luck!

Tally for Day 16:

New Matches Worth Mentioning: 0
Weird Insecurities and Nerves Showing: Some ;-)

Day 15

Saturday

So no, I didn't run away to Vegas and get hitched haha and I wasn't abducted by a crazy internet guy. But I did need a couple of days to bask in the glow of a great first date and what seems to be an amazing man. It has changed this experiment for me. In the way I had hoped of course but I don't know if I ever believed it was possible.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves, I know it was just one date. Still, it was the best date I've had in two years. There was chemistry and flirting and almost 6 straight hours of great conversation. We connect on so many levels it's almost hard to believe. I didn't look at the time once and have more butterflies now than I had before the date. Ask anyone that saw me over the next couple of days, I was glowing from within!

So what does that mean for my eharmony self? I think I'd be getting ahead of myself if I closed up shop and applied to eharmony for *Arizona and I to be their next cute commercial couple! As much potential as I feel with *Arizona I don't want to have a couple of more dates and find out he's crazy in some capacity or that our initial connections were too surface or that there's nothing more than chemistry there. But I have to give some serious credit to eharmony for such an incredible first met-online date. They really are on to something here. I keep saying he's a man, not a boy, a man. No games, no waiting and wondering if he likes me. It's true about the message in that book "he's just not that into you" - when he is into you, you know it. How nice!

I could really talk about *Arizona for pages but I'll spare you that and just give you the after date update. He sweetly texted me the next afternoon and we made plans for dinner next week. He called me that night to chat and talk about where we'd go, and we talked for 25 minutes today!

What I've done with respect to eharmony is continue to look at the matches they send me - 7 or 8 of them per day since I met *Arizona. Certainly not with the same excitement or immediacy that I have been - I didn't check them at all yesterday. And I closed a ton of matches - many first question requests from men I haven't really wanted to respond to, I closed communication with *Seattle - telling him in my form closed message that I was pursuing another match. I was wished luck by a few of them and one who I hadn't answered his questions asked me to reconsider, he thought we had potential. I'm much quicker and more decisive - I learned something from *Boston, and feel it's respectful to tell them I'm pursuing someone else. I don't want to waste anyone's time.

There have been a couple of guys that if I could pretend *Arizona doesn't exist, sound interesting. None of them have contacted me which I think is a good thing. I don't know what I'll do if they do. The fact is I can't pretend *Arizona doesn't exist - he does and he's great! It certainly is hard if not impossible for any online profile to compete with a live human being I've connected with. And have continued to connect with almost every day since we've met.

I want this experiment to work, I want to believe *Arizona and I were meant to meet and perhaps this way and that there is something to the eharmony matching process. I'll be the first to recommend eharmony to anyone curious already, let alone whether this works out between *Arizona and I. I want a relationship, that's mostly why I did this. I also want to take it slow and have it be real. So for now, the profile stays up and I'll keep you posted...

Wish me luck!

Tally for Day 15:

Real Connections Made: 1

Day 12

Wednesday

S.M.I.T.T.E.N. !!!