Day 56

Sunday

I've been on eharmony now for a couple of months. The first time was a one month trial that was pretty exciting. It resulted in a failed relationship but was good enough to convince me to try it again. It does seem though that my experience changes the longer I spend on this site.

Perhaps its the warmer weather, my busier work schedule...or the fact that I've reconnected with an old flame (more on that later), but the online life is lacking some lustre these days. I often take days to check my new matches where I used to check almost every day. None of the matches from earlier are even worth mentioning at this point. The several I've been in "open communication" with got boring to me or I've gotten boring to them and we've stopped exchanging messages.

With the exception of *Detroit. He and I are supposed to have a second date sometime soon, he's going to call me this week. He was really sweet and I enjoyed talking to him so I'm sure we'll have a good time but I doubt there's enough chemistry to take this too much further.

*Cartagena hasn't responded to my email. It's been a few weeks so I decided to go outside my comfort zone and write him another email seeing if we should start over. That was on Friday so I'll keep you posted if I hear from him.

I also went outside my normal role and fast tracked *Memphis because his profile says that's what he prefers. No word from him either. It appears that even in the online world men prefer to do the chasing and I can come off as too aggressive. It's going to take a particular guy to keep up with me it seems and I haven't seen him on here yet!

In fairness to the site and as I mentioned earlier, I've reconnected with an ex of mine. There's just no way the online world can compete with real life chemistry. Not for me anyway. I'd probably have written a few of the eharmony guys back if it weren't for the excitement of seeing *Naples. Fireworks literally when off when we saw each other!!! It's been a couple of years since we've seen each other. He was too young then and we were at different places in our lives. He's definitely grown up some and I always did like him so who knows maybe we've reconnected because we're ready now? We've had one date since that night. A wonderful date. I don't know that there's any more future or possibility with *Naples than with any of the guys online but it's just so much more enticing to pursue someone I can see, talk to and touch. But my fear with *Naples is that the tables have turned and this time it will be me chasing him and him walking away from me. But I still think he'll be around for a bit. Wish me luck!

I also met someone this weekend that I hope to see again. *Glasgow is a friend of a friend I've never been introduced to before. Who knew? Just when you think you've exhausted all the possible friend hook ups you're happily proved wrong. There are some things that make me think this won't go anywhere - not the least of which is that I think *Glasgow might be out of my league! He's pretty spectacular. That and the fact that our mutual friend has been telling me he's in love with me for the past five years and spent most of the night with us telling *Glasgow to stay away from me. It didn't work. I hope it continues to not work but I'll have to keep you posted on that too!

Offline, online, any-kind-of-line...I feel good about my romantic prospects for the summer!

Tally for Day 56...

New matches worth mentioning: 0
Second Eharmony Dates Pending: 1
Ex-BF Dates Pending: 1!
New Guys Met Offline: 1

P.S. Check out my new column derived from this blog on http://www.shedoesthecity.com/

Day 15

Saturday

So no, I didn't run away to Vegas and get hitched haha and I wasn't abducted by a crazy internet guy. But I did need a couple of days to bask in the glow of a great first date and what seems to be an amazing man. It has changed this experiment for me. In the way I had hoped of course but I don't know if I ever believed it was possible.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves, I know it was just one date. Still, it was the best date I've had in two years. There was chemistry and flirting and almost 6 straight hours of great conversation. We connect on so many levels it's almost hard to believe. I didn't look at the time once and have more butterflies now than I had before the date. Ask anyone that saw me over the next couple of days, I was glowing from within!

So what does that mean for my eharmony self? I think I'd be getting ahead of myself if I closed up shop and applied to eharmony for *Arizona and I to be their next cute commercial couple! As much potential as I feel with *Arizona I don't want to have a couple of more dates and find out he's crazy in some capacity or that our initial connections were too surface or that there's nothing more than chemistry there. But I have to give some serious credit to eharmony for such an incredible first met-online date. They really are on to something here. I keep saying he's a man, not a boy, a man. No games, no waiting and wondering if he likes me. It's true about the message in that book "he's just not that into you" - when he is into you, you know it. How nice!

I could really talk about *Arizona for pages but I'll spare you that and just give you the after date update. He sweetly texted me the next afternoon and we made plans for dinner next week. He called me that night to chat and talk about where we'd go, and we talked for 25 minutes today!

What I've done with respect to eharmony is continue to look at the matches they send me - 7 or 8 of them per day since I met *Arizona. Certainly not with the same excitement or immediacy that I have been - I didn't check them at all yesterday. And I closed a ton of matches - many first question requests from men I haven't really wanted to respond to, I closed communication with *Seattle - telling him in my form closed message that I was pursuing another match. I was wished luck by a few of them and one who I hadn't answered his questions asked me to reconsider, he thought we had potential. I'm much quicker and more decisive - I learned something from *Boston, and feel it's respectful to tell them I'm pursuing someone else. I don't want to waste anyone's time.

There have been a couple of guys that if I could pretend *Arizona doesn't exist, sound interesting. None of them have contacted me which I think is a good thing. I don't know what I'll do if they do. The fact is I can't pretend *Arizona doesn't exist - he does and he's great! It certainly is hard if not impossible for any online profile to compete with a live human being I've connected with. And have continued to connect with almost every day since we've met.

I want this experiment to work, I want to believe *Arizona and I were meant to meet and perhaps this way and that there is something to the eharmony matching process. I'll be the first to recommend eharmony to anyone curious already, let alone whether this works out between *Arizona and I. I want a relationship, that's mostly why I did this. I also want to take it slow and have it be real. So for now, the profile stays up and I'll keep you posted...

Wish me luck!

Tally for Day 15:

Real Connections Made: 1

Day 10

Monday

Double digit days. First person to person contact. I called *Arizona! We had a great talk - 23.25 minutes according to my phone log. Not too much beyond the "recommended" first call. Not that it was on my mind when we were talking! Just an afterthought as I write this. It went really well. Get this... I am the first person he got as a match after he paid last week. We joined just days apart and I was the first match he could see that he looked at. Is it just me or is that potentially really romantic! And he told me about it in our first call. That tells me he's open, he isn't hiding anything from me. I reciprocated by telling him it's only been a week for me. He also offered up , or maybe I asked, I don't remember...that he's on eharmony because two of his best, long time friends have been in long relationships because of eharmony. I'm beginning to really believe this system works - is that weird? I don't mean to pretend I think *Arizona is the guy for me but I'm open to the possibility.

So! We're going out on Wednesday. Wish me luck! My first eharmony date...

I'm a bit fascinated by the conversation in a sense - for the first time ever, I had the guy's number to call, I didn't passively give him mine and wait to hear from him. I called, when it worked for me. He asked me to get together and I picked the date and time. He picked the place because it was convenient for me - oddly enough, one of my favourite haunts haha! And suggested a possible activity that I would totally love, that he had no idea before he said it, but was spot on! There's a definite compatibility here, or at least, what appears to be a compatibility. And a definite confidence in me that perhaps I wouldn't have if we'd met first. Definitely in part because I know he is interested in what he knows about me, he fast tracked, he sent me 2 messages before I said a word and the second had his phone number in it. He wanted me to call, I'm sure that made it easier. I don't know what it all means. But I'm feeling good about it, about him, about this whole process. *Natalie...thank you for nudging me (to use an eharmony word haha) in this direction. Regardless of what happens, you're right, so far, this has been good for me, as me. No matter what happens.

Meanwhile, *Minnesota sent back his "MH/CS" - is that strange to talk about dating one guy and talking to another? It is for me, but in online terms I don't think it is. Not that I know, it's still all new to me. I just think, so what, I've had one conversation with a guy, so I'm going to put a hold on anyone else until I meet him? I don't think that's the point of this. I suspect that will change quickly if I have a good time with *Arizona. I really am a one-guy kind of girl. Perhaps that's been part of my reluctance about trying online dating. Too much buffet, not enough Kobe beef.

So, *Minnesota's "MH/CS" were great. We had four on each side that matched and there was nothing in his that struck a wrong note with me. I wanted to learn more. So I sent three short answer questions to him. I do look forward to hearing back from him.

It does change things when there's a real person involved. A person I've phoned. A person I've spoken to and shared some part of my life with. Someone I am looking forward to meeting - what am I going to wear???? If I like him, this will get tougher. A real person instead of 10+ people a day that I'm reading about and considering talking to. But one date, is one date, and I guess we'll see...

Speaking of, 9 new matches, but I think I've got enough going on!

Tally for Day 10:

Live contact by phone made: 1 !!!
Date to meet scheduled: 1 !!!
Must Haves/Can't Stands Returned: 1
New Matches Worth Mentioning: 0

Day 9

Sunday

Well, the answer I've been waiting for came in today...*Boston closed our communication. He did leave me a closed message - a list of reasons, you can check any or all that apply - he checked that he is pursuing other matches at eharmony. I suspected that. That doesn't mean I'm not disappointed.

But that's really it. I'm not hurt, I'm somewhat relieved because now I know and I don't sit wondering. Which in real life would be totally different. I'd be wondering why he didn't call when he seemed into me and probably stupidly text him or something trying to illicit a response. I've mentioned my forwardness...anyway, this kept me from doing that, I feel fine about what communications we shared and if I'm not for him, so be it. Really. I think I would have been more upset if he had done it right after we had all that contact. I would have taken it more personally, I would have thought it was something I said. And maybe it was, I'll never know. But I appreciate that he closed the match and gave me a reason, neither of which he was required to do. He could have left it open, he could have let me wonder. See, I knew he was a good guy, haha, just not the guy for me.

So just out of curiosity sake, I could have one more contact with him, I could choose to send him a final reply to his closed message - which I would think of doing if I had more control over what you can say, but these are the only options available in that section and none of them are me at all...

- I have now posted my photo and when it is approved it should be available to you.
- I have completed all my Match Profile questions.
- Good luck with your search.
- I really felt that we had potential. I'd like you to reconsider.

- I think if we met, you might have different feelings about who I am.

I don't want to say any of those things to him. The last two have a hint of desperation that I have no intention of sending him. Sometimes I get the "good luck with your search" message when I close matches. Sometimes I think that's nice and other times that its just unnecessary. So on that note, I'll just let *Boston close the match. He can at any time reopen the match if he changed his mind, but for me, this is over. Bye-bye *Boston!

The other good thing about this is that I'm going to be more open when I talk to *Arizona - I emailed him today to say I'll call him tomorrow. I have a couple of concerns about *Arizona and I am kind of missing the information I would have gotten if we continued in the guided communication. But ultimately this isn't a game, it's a chance to meet someone so let's get on with the meeting! I don't have butterflies in the way I had for *Boston and that I even have a little bit with *Chicago but on the other hand, I have a weird comfort level with *Arizona. I don't know if it's the fact we're in the same business or if he just seems that down to earth but I am a bit nervous about calling him. I've just never done this before, like this. Wish me luck!

Speaking of *Chicago, he looked at my profile today but still no answer to my questions. I wonder if this is like *Boston and that means he's communicating with someone else and waiting to see what happens. I'm totally fine with that if that's the case, but the fact that I keep bringing him up means I do want to hear from him.

In new news...the guy from yesterday with the icebreaker and no picture sent my his first five questions and posted a picture! A cute picture! So I answered *Minnesota's questions and sent him mine - they were mostly the same questions I ask which hasn't really happened yet. I more or less send the same questions, give or take a couple depending on what is or isn't in his profile and what he asked me. He answered my questions pretty quickly - the same way I answered his more or less! I liked that for some reason so later in the day I sent him my "MH/CS". We'll see what happens next!

10 new matches today - 0 worth mentioning.

Tally for Day 9:

Matches Closed on Me worth mentioning aka First (online) Heartbreak: 1
First Questions Asked I Answered: 1
First Questions Asked He Answered: 1
Must Haves/Can't Stands Sent by me: 1
New Matches Worth Mentioning: 0

Day 7

Friday.

So I'm through week 1 of this adventure. I have a friend at work *Gordie who is trying his own online dating world with okcupid and has been on it a bit longer than I've been trying eharmony. I have to say it appears I've made the right choice. *Gordie has so far had two lesbians separately, yet on the same day, proposition him to try men one more time, and a creepy looking goth girl with a boyfriend contact him, and not much else worth mentioning. Granted, I'm 8 years older so may have more serious suitors, but still... *Gordie's experience is exactly why I've avoided online dating thus far. But eharmony so far has been kind of awesome. There are 3 guys I'm quite interested in and am excited about talking with and a 4th that I'm not sure about, but am taking the steps to see where it leads. In a week. That's about as many guys as I would have listed as of interest to me in all of the last year. And as long as they are being truthful, I know more about them than the ones I met and dated in real life. Interesting...

So no word from *Boston. It appears he hasn't looked at my profile since I sent my answers late on Wednesday night. There's a "Who's Viewed Me" tab that shows who has looked at your profile in the past 2 weeks by each day. And I've been avoiding looking at his profile so he couldn't see that I was basically waiting to hear from him. I wasn't entirely sure it was accurate to go by that tab but it seems to be right, it reflects people I've heard from AND he appears to have looked tonight!!

So I'm fairly certain now he's read my answers. It is Valentine's Day weekend so I don't romanticize hearing from him this weekend. Although if I did hear from him by him "opening communication" with me, I'd certainly accept! That would mean we can then communicate by email as long as like on their site or exchange other ways to speak. But I guess he's thinking about it...I have to remember that he could be speaking to lots of women and this next stage is pretty much the step where you decide to speak and meet. If he's as great as he seems, there are probably lots of women he's talking to and getting responses from. But, he did initiate with me and reciprocated each step quickly so I'm still hoping he'll open the communication...soon?!?!! Yes, I am impatient! It just speaks to the fact that I do like him...

I sent *Arizona my "MH/CS" and he replied with a "Fast Track" request!!! This means he wants to skip the rest of the guided communication, he didn't send me his "MH/CS", he just wants to talk. Part of me likes the steps in "guided communication" but I'm flattered he wants to meet me. I think I'll let this wait until tomorrow.

It is weird for me to think about seeing *Arizona and wanting to see *Boston and wanting to hear from *Chicago all at the same time. It's very opposite to my nature to juggle men and in real life I might wait to see if I hear from *Boston again before moving forward with *Arizona but I guess this is all part of the online process and I don't want to miss opportunities and if *Arizona had come first or there was no *Boston or *Chicago then how would I feel? It's really hard to know.

Speaking of *Chicago, I moved forward by sending him my 3 short answer questions. I'm really looking forward to getting his answers to learn more about him. I was so impressed with his "MH/CS" that he seems very different than my first impression - different in great ways. Again I don't anticipate hearing from him on Valentine's Day and it's also a long weekend so I'm not sure there will be any update on him for a while. But he could prove me wrong again!

The 4th guy I've been mentioning, that I'm not sure about but exchanged first questions with yesterday - *Seattle - I chose not to communicate with today. I am not sure if I want to go down this road with him but need to keep my mind open. He seems fun and funny, he could be a great guy. I don't have a huge physical attraction to him but there is something about him that I find endearing. My friend *Courtney thinks he looks great so maybe I'll send him my "MH/CS", I'm going to wait on that until tomorrow too.

I received 9 new matches today and none worth mentioning. Not that I feel like there isn't enough on the go right now! But I have to keep myself open...the right guy for me might be in my inbox at any point (if he isn't already) and a crush on a guy (or 3) on a screen isn't realistic enough for me yet, so the adventure continues...

Tally for Day 7:

New Matches Worth Mentioning: 0
Must Haves/Can't Stands Sent by me: 1
Fast Track Requested by him: 1 !!
Short Answer Questions Sent by me: 1

Day 5

Wednesday

What started as a fairly uneventful eharmony day, there was a very exciting ending!!

I received 11 new matches in the morning and apparently I was wrong, there are a lot more guys out there to match me with, that aren't all duds. Perhaps they don't want to inundate me with them all at once so they space them out - I do receive about 10-12 a day on average. There was one guy in there I thought sounded interesting but I don't intend to initiate with him, if he's interested he can contact me.

I received answers to my questions from *Chicago - they were good answers. Next step, I have to send my "must haves/can't stands" which from here on I'm going to shorten to "MH/CS", I'm long winded enough, I could use a short form or two! I would have sent them right away but he has taken a day or two to respond to each step so far, so I'll do the same. But I will send them. I'm curious if he'll close the match based on them. Not sure why my gut says we're not that compatible, but I'm keeping my mind open, I've been wrong about a lot of guys in my life!

The most exciting news of yesterday is that *Boston answered my 3 short answer questions!!! I can't tell you how excited I was when I got that notification - but I didn't read them right away. I was cooking dinner for a good friend, *Tracy - who made an excellent point about eharmony that I hadn't thought of...she's in marketing and so thinks about these kind of things - she said that the thing that makes eharmony stand out over the other sites like lavalife is their advertising strategy and placement. Lavalife airs commercials late at night, targeting the drunk-dialing type of single who's looking for someone to hook up with whereas eharmony advertises in the day, prime time. Gives them another notch of credibility if you ask me.

Anyway! Back to *Boston! His answers were great!! He thought about them and wrote full answers, not just a few words. It appears that we come from similar places with respect to the towns we grew up in, the reasons we're trying eharmony, and what we think of it so far.

And! Very interestingly, I posted a few more pictures of myself to my profile, definitely in part thinking it might interest *Boston. I had a few there already but they were just of me, fairly standard profile pictures and I wanted to show him a bit more about my life - and consequently anyone else I talk to as this goes on and I talk to more guys. And I know *Boston looked at them because he commented on one of them in one of his answers - kind of off hand, not related to the question he was answering!! I liked that he went out of the box to make that comment even though it's about him not being a cat person. Too bad, but I've converted others so I'm not daunted by it!

And! Probably not coincidentally, he put up a couple of new pictures!!! So we're non-verbally communicating too. Interesting. And both pictures were amazing - things he's done in his life, adventure and volunteer work too!!! Is this guy for real??? I sure hope so.

Next step - he sent me three short answer questions back. Three good questions as well, he of course sends back the one about why I joined eharmony, I expected to get that one back! They were all from the pre-selected list but they were all good. One I was totally stumped by but I managed an answer that may or may not have actually answered the question. Either way it told him something about me. I started my first answer by saying I liked his answers and that I appreciated that he seemed to have put thought into them. I also said I know that might be counter "guided communication" guidelines but that I was willing to say it anyway.

So what's next??? OPEN COMMUNICATION!! He has to iniate this step (good! I'm tired of having to take the next step! although appreciative that he's responding and reciprocating). So now it's a waiting game. I can't imagine anything I said in my answers that would make him end our communication here but then again, this is all new to me! Open communication means that eharmony will provide us with a secure email to keep talking opening. We can also request a secure phone call and talk to each other. Or forego the whole eharmony aspect and exchange real emails/numbers - but I think we're a ways from that yet. But I am really hoping I get to meet this guy at some point.

In other news, I was "nudged" today that I found a bit annoying. Apparently there's this feature that eharmony will send me an email "nudging" me from some guy who has sent me questions that I haven't answered yet. I get that some people on this site probably don't check it with the frequency I am or perhaps that it wanes over time, especially if you're getting frustrated with the results but I still don't think nudging is ever necessary. He can see that I looked at his profile - there's a "Who's Viewed Me" section that shows you by day who looked at you. So, I'm going to look again today and probably close that match.

Okay *Boston...ball is in your court...Open Communication (hopefully) here we come!

Tally for Day 5:

New Matches Worth Mentioning: 0 - but 1 I liked if he contacts me.
Short Answer Questions He Answered: 1 !!!
Short Answer Questions Asked of me: 1 !!!
Short Answer Questions I Answered: 1 !!!
First Questions Asked of Me: 4
First Questions I Answered: 1

Day 4

Tuesday...

I woke up hoping to have heard from *Boston, hoping he had sent me his "must haves/can't stands" after reading mine. No word yet. Went to work, worked, forgot about all this for a few hours and decided to take a quick eharmony break...

*Boston had sent me his "must haves/can't stands"!!!!!!!!!!!! And they were great! We had 5 of 10 the same "must haves" - which is good (I think) considering the number of choices there were to start with. And there were 4 of 10 "can't stands" in common - again quite good (I think)! And his seemed very thoughtful and purposeful - to the point where I did go back and edit my "hates their job" one and replaced it with "pessimism" - coincidentally one of his as well. So 5 of 5 on each side. I'm beginning to wonder if there is something to this matching after all.

Next step? Send 2nd Questions. Again I have to initiate this next step - I guess that's part of the "guided communication" and a process they believe works - you both have to initiate equally to keep it going. And so far so good! I was really excited that we'd gotten to this step 3 of 5 before we get to openly communicate (over a secure non-traceable email). I was feeling good about sharing the "must haves/can't stands" and thinking we may have potential.

Now I don't want to share all of *Boston's list because he shared those with me in what qualifies as the closest thing to a private conversation we've had... but I do want to say that he did cover some very fundamental beliefs I also share - where he could have chosen what I consider to be more surface answers. For example, he could have chosen "I can't stand to have a partner that is a television junkie"...which might be a deal breaker for us as I am a self-professed tv junkie (even in those exact words on a couple of my other online identities)! That's quite a hate on for tv if you choose it as 1 of your 10 "can't stands" when your other choices are things like "I can't stand having a partner who is...Racist, Hypochondriac, Victim Mentality, Liar, etc, etc." I'm just trying to qualify that I think we've both put thought into these lists and in sharing them. And that I'm pleased we agree on what I've now recognized for myself are essential qualities in a partner.

And that, so far, *Boston doesn't hate tv junkies ;-)

My friend *Natalie sent me an encouraging email today with some very sweet insight in a similar train of thought - she's been reading along. She said "I think the entire process is fascinating and what I like is that by going through this it is actually making you really reflect on what you really ARE looking for rather then what you think that you want! No matter if eharmony is for you or not I think it allows you to be introspective and that is important for any future relationship!!". Well put Natalie, well put.

So, Send 2nd Questions is my opportunity to ask *Boston 3 more "short-answer" questions that I can write entirely myself (in 240 characters or less!) or select from a list of suggested questions. I felt most of their suggestions have been answered in our profiles and first questions - again very interesting... but I did find 2 there that I was able to rewrite and put together in my voice for him. I pooled the office on what they would ask if they had this kind of opportunity, we had a candid conversation and came up with some good options! Thanks team!!

So I sent *Boston 3 questions I'm looking forward to the answers to. It took me some hours to come up with them so I imagine it will take him some time to answer them. Of the 3, I'm curious about this one from the list "why did you join eharmony?" - to which I added "and what has your experience been with it?" He's seemed quite open and honest so far, asking me things about fears in relationships and even parenting so I have every reason to think this next step will be a good one. Then he gets to send me 3 questions as well.

I'm beginning to think I might get to meet this *Boston - seems really quick and yet, like we know quite a bit about each other. Certainly more than I knew on my last blind date, where, for those familiar with the story know, it was a bit of a disaster. I'm referring of course to "backwards sunglasses guy"! I was set up by a friend of mine with a guy she worked with and he and I emailed 2 or 3 times before deciding to meet. In about half an hour we both knew we had nothing in common, no physical spark, poor conversation - ending the evening with a 45 minute conversation on "have you seen (insert any popular movie title here)?" being asked of me repeatedly. Ouch. 3 hours I can't have back. If we'd met on this site I wouldn't have gone out with him, I'd already know there was no "match" there. In fairness, the best part about this date was that it ended mutually with neither of us desiring any further contact. Which turned out well for me because a month later I learned from my friend that his ex-girlfriend was 3 months pregnant and they were going to make a go of it! Dating...gotta love it.

In other news...my icebreaker friend *Chicago sent me his first request for communication, he sent me 5 questions! I think I'm beginning to get the hang of this site. I have reservations about *Chicago based on my experiences with *Denver and *Boston. In comparison, *Chicago has very little information in his profile that isn't the bare minimum and certainly not insightful into what he's really like. And his first 5 questions are somewhat surface in comparison to theirs as well so I'm a bit more doubtful about our compatibility... but I'm not judging, it's a step up from the ice breaker and I want to hear what he has to say to my questions so maybe he's just been on here a while and is more reserved. Or any other number of reasons I could come up with, but why speculate? I thought there was at least another round of questions coming from *Denver and he ended things on my "must haves/can't stands"! So clearly I don't know what I'm talking about, it's Day 4 haha. Let's see what happens when he reads my answers and my questions...

No new matches worth mentioning. There seem to be matches coming in as usual but their profiles are must less detailed and are starting to expand in geographical distance from me as well. Does this mean I'm getting matches with less percentage in common but still meeting the 29 dimensions somehow? Am I reliant now just on what's been sent to me already and whoever might sign up in the meantime? I have no idea.

So tally for Day 4:

Must Haves/Can't Stands Sent back to me: 1 !!
Stage 3 - Sent to him 3 more questions: 1 !!
5 questions initiated to me that I responded to: 1 !!

Waiting for Answers to 5 questions from: 2 - same two from the other day but there's a tab you can click on to see who has looked at your profile in that day and neither of them has been to my profile today so either they're not interested or they haven't checked yet...

New matches worth mentioning: 0

Day 3

Monday...

Hmmm, interesting day.

I checked my new matches in the morning and not only was there a very hot guy in the list, but he had already requested communication and sent me his first five questions! I like the initiative. So I waited a few hours and sent him my answers and my own questions. He responded really quickly - I think within a couple of hours! So he gets a name for sure! *Boston had me very intrigued. And I loved his answers. So far so good! So now what?

Here I am at the same place I was at with *Denver yesterday. They say the next step is to send my 10 "must haves/can't stands". I really don't like this being the next step but it's growing on me, I'll explain later. I even emailed the website to ask if we both have the option of sending these or if I am the only one with that option. I frustratingly got a form email not answering my question but explaining the whole "guided communication" process. It doesn't matter, I'd already decided to send him my "must haves/can't stands" - after showing them to a couple of guy friends in the office! Oh, and while I was at it, I sent them to *Denver too in case that was the next step with us too!

No other new matches worth mentioning.

During the day my adventure with eharmony became a more public conversation. I didn't shy from it, I probably even offered more information than was asked - I think I decided when I was going to blog along with this that I would be open about it. And who chooses to blog and hopes no one reads it? Those people have diaries... So I shared, and that being said, I received nothing but positive feedback about my experiment. And I learned that someone knows someone who just met their "dream guy" on eharmony and they're head over heals. There's hope!!!

When I got home I logged in to find that *Denver had "closed communication" and I read the message that came with - the completely uninformative and all encompassing "other" option as to why he wanted to close communication with me. Oddly, I don't really care. I did sense even before this that that he was more "extreme camper" and I was more "nice hotel" than our ultimate compatibility would stand. That's not fair, I actually think my interest in my career and my desire for a partner with a similar mentality was a bigger factor. Would I say that if *Boston weren't in the picture? I'm not sure. What interested me more was why he closed communication 3 hours (love the time stamp!) after I sent my "must haves/can't stands".

You know I have trouble with having to choose this list and having to share it so soon in a new "match". And yet, having a few hours to sit with it, I'm getting more used to the idea. I feel good about my list and think it really does represent the kind of man I want in a partner - and after all, isn't the whole point of this site to realistically determine if there is relationship potential with these people? If I was just looking for some entertainment, a date, a flirtation, wouldn't I just use a free, more popular site? And isn't this site designed to help weed out people you ultimately wouldn't want to end up with? So even though I'm not sold on having to give up this list so soon - and in the site's defense, they ask you repeatedly to take this list seriously and they make you review it before you send it (which I did with my friends at work before I sent!) - at the same time if you close our communication based on my list, then how can you be the right guy for me?

Which leads to all of these internal questions. Am I being too specific in my list? There are a lot of possibilities to choose from so am I sure these 10 on each side really represent what I "must have" and "can't stand"? Is the list too daunting? Requiring a too perfect man? What does my list say about me? How can you ask me 5 questions, answer mine - both of which were very compatible in my opinion and then receive my list and close communication?

You're curious aren't you? To see how specific this list is and how potentially unrealistic my "must haves and can't stands" might be? Okay...in the efforts of full disclosure (at least for now!), here is my list and the definitions that go with them...

Must Haves

Haha, total aside here, I just fast forwarded through a commercial break (I love my PVR) and saw a segment ad for the 6pm news of today on "online dating, your profile can make or break your chances" ahahaha. Anyway...

Autonomy...
	I must have a partner who will give me space to be my own person.
Intellect...
	I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.
Sense of Humor...
	I must have someone who is sharp and can enjoy the humorous side of life.
Loyal...
	I must have someone I can count on to always support me.
Self-Confident...
	I must have a partner who knows and believes in himself/herself throughout life's ups and downs.
Communicator...
	I must have someone who is good at talking and listening.
Adaptability...
	I must have a partner who is able to adapt to life's surprises.
Curiosity...
	I must have a partner who is hungry for new information and knowledge and who strives to learn as much as possible.
Affectionate...
	I must have someone who is comfortable giving and receiving affection.
Chemistry...
	I must feel deeply in love with and attracted to my partner.

Can't Stands

Worrier...
	I can't stand someone who easily loses perspective and constantly worries.
Anger...
	I can't stand someone who can't manage their anger, who yells, or bottles it up inside.
Dependence...
	I can't stand someone who bases their happiness on me.
Boorishness...
	I can't stand someone who is inclined to rowdy, vulgar or disrespectful behavior when "having fun."
Rude...
	I can't stand someone who is belittling, impatient or hateful to people in any situation.
Poor Hygiene...
	I can't stand someone who is not clean.
Childishness...
	I can't stand someone who is not emotionally mature.
Undependable...
	I can't stand someone who fails to come through and is unreliable.
Depressed...
	I can't stand someone who is constantly unhappy about their life.
Unhappy at Work...
	I can't stand someone who hates their job and complains about it all the time.

There is only one in there - this last one about being unhappy at work - that I might change. I know people end up in jobs they hate, I've been there but I'm fairly sure I didn't complain about it all the time - at least not without a plan to change that.

Any thoughts you want to share? I'm open to your thoughts!!

There is a huge selection to choose from so these may or may not seem like no-brainers in a must have can't stand list but as I say, the selection is very large. But I am happy with this list. And if this list makes you discount me as a mate then perhaps that's for the best. So I'm getting used to this step in the "guided communication".

Which brings me back to *Boston. He was full speed ahead with me until now. Is that related to the list? Who knows. He seems to be as active in his personal life as I am and who knows how comfortable he is about sending his list? But I haven't heard from him, and I'd really like to. But the ball is completely in his court and I have no way of controlling it from here. That's something I'm adjusting to but am kind of enjoying at the same time. I'll keep you posted...

So in my profile, there's one section that allows you to say whatever you want that you think they should know about you (in under 200 words haha) which right now for me says that this is my first online dating experience and that while I'm excited and open minded about it I do have some nervous reservations. So I debate with myself whether I should expand on this to mention I'm on a 30 day trial and that if that changes, I'll change that section. And that if I seem somewhat over-participatory (probably not a word even if hyphenated!) that it's because I do feel a bit on a time limit. That's probably off putting right? I'd caveat that with something about my doubt about online dating and my understanding that the perfect guy might sign up on day 31 and I'd never know. But really, if I'm being honest, I'm just qualifying my aggressiveness that I think might be one of the reasons I've been single more often than not for the last (not-willing-to-share) years. ;-) So let's see if the guy that likes me - for me - is here.

Tally for Day 3...

Must haves/Can't stands sent: 2
Must haves/Can't stands responded to: 1 - negatively, bye bye *Denver
Must haves/Can't stands not responded to: 1
New Matches I want to communicate with: 0 out of 5
Guys who haven't responded to my icebreaker/first questions/picture requests: 4

Day 2

Sunday...

I woke up nice and late on Sunday to my blinking blackberry...the cute guy who's questioned I answered and then asked my own has responded to my questions! I think it's time to name this guy and so let's pick places so as not to give anything away...so *Denver answered my questions. And no, I didn't get right up, turn on my computer and read them. No, I did what I had to do during the day, ran my errands, had some lunch...and then checked.

Aside...I was out running errands and imagined seeing these guys I've been "matched" with on eharmony and I swear I saw one of them in an aisle at Shoppers. Was it him? Maybe, maybe not, who knows? This big city can be awfully small. Just thought it was funny that I'm thinking that when I'm only on Day 2! Ha!

So back to *Denver! I like his answers! I'm definitely interested. Now what? His profile says he prefers fast track communication to guided but he started with guided so now what? I so don't know what protocol is on these things!

According to the guided communication method, the next step is sending each other our "must haves/can't stands" - this is a list of 10 items per list that you have to have or would hate to have in a partner. It's hard to have just 10, there are closer to 50 to choose from in the list and they make you pare it down on purpose. To perhaps learn something about yourself in the process. It's a long list and I went at it by selecting all the ones I thought were "must haves" for me and then taking off ones that wouldn't make the top ten. I did the same with the "can't stands". No one can see them unless I send them. But they are pretty personal and I'm not sure that is what I next want Denver to see from me. And should I wait for him to send me his if that's the next step? Or will he send me a fast track communication request where we get to having real emails/phone calls? Or should I send him one? I only have a month! Wait, deep breath, it's Day 2. But he replied right away! But it was a Sunday...oh geez this is so very weird for me.

Oh wait, it looks like the "must haves/can't stands" can only come from me. I guess if he initiates the questions then I have to initiate the "must haves" because the next step is to read his if he sends his back. Hmmm so do I do it? Am I supposed to wait a day? Is there a waiting time like in real life dating where you wait three days to call someone? Isn't the fact that we've paid to be online for the purpose of meeting people mean that waiting times don't exist? But I don't really want to send him my must haves even though I keep re-reading them and it's a good list.

This is all so structured. After this apparently you ask each other more questions, followed by "read Dr. Warren's message" before you get to "open communication" where I think you get to email each other straight up which until now, you are unable to do unless you request a fast track. WTF? Is Dr. Warren's message just standard don't do anything stupid advice like invite the guy to your home or to a private place where he might chop you up and kill you? Or are you telling me the elves behind the site are monitoring our communication and will offer advice before we talk? I have trouble thinking that's what it is, but if its' a standard message, why do we have to wait for 4 rounds of questions and some must haves before we get to read it?

I know this is a system for a reason, they believe it works. I should just go with it and stop analyzing - right, not that easy for me! That being said, they matched me with a minister from Peterborough...I'm just saying...

I haven't heard back from the other guy I answered his questions and sent him mine, let's call him *Kansas. That's okay by me, I'm just keeping you in the loop :-) Didn't hear back from icebreaker boy yet either - let's call him *Chicago.

What else? Oh! I forgot yesterday, you can request a picture from matches. I've done this 2 or 3 times now. I liked their profile and I'm only going to know if I want to further communicate if I can see a picture. I'm not on here to make nice friends, I love my friends and can meet new ones in the real world, I'm looking for something else on here and we've already committed to trying this online thing and be judged by our words and profile so we have to put our pictures out there too. So I'm requesting it. One guy asked me to answer some questions but didn't put up a picture so let's make a deal - you post a picture and then maybe I'll answer your questions...

F*&! it, I'm sending Denver my must haves/can't stands. Or am I...aargh...

Oh and so much for my wait and see, I'm going to initiate conversation with this cute teacher from yesterday. Let's call him *Philly.

Day 2 tally:

New matches worth discussing: 0
Questions sent that were answered: 1
Questions sent & waiting to be answered: 2
Pictures requested: 2
Must haves/Can't stands sent: .........?? !!!!

Day 1

Saturday...

Today is the day. I became a full member of eharmony and got to look at all of the potential matches that were waiting for me. Some have requested communication, some have sent icebreakers - I'll explain below...

Stevie is coming over later and I'm dying to wait until she gets here to have someone to go through this with! I can't wait, I have to see some of these guys so I log in, pay, and get started! There are about 25 guys in my "matches" section to check out. I've read their profiles now I want to see if any of them strike chemistry with me in their pictures.

I think I'm realistic, if there are a few in the 25 that might interest me to talk further, I think that's pretty good. But I've never done this before. How harsh do you be? How open should you be? It feels pretty shallow to disconnect communication based on a few pictures. And yet, I'm not 16, I know what I'm attracted to and what I'm not attracted to and put that together with some statements in a profile and I start to get a feel for what I'm doing on here.

There are a couple of guys that seem kind of cute! One of them has requested communication with me - what does that mean? If you follow what the site suggests which is "guided communication" then the request means he can ask me five questions - selected from a list of get to know you better type questions. I have the option of answering with one of the multiple choice answers or write in my own for under 200 words. There is a guy I want to answer his questions...so I do. Then I get a screen where I can now ask him five of the same list of questions. I select a few of the same he sent me and some of my own.

Topics include, where you see yourself living in 15 years, the type of schedule (how busy or available) you want your partner to be, what you like to do on a Saturday night, where you'd go on a vacation, what you'd do at a party where you don't know anyone other than your date, etc. Something about this guy, I kind of like. Great, I'm hooked :-)

Stevie shows up and helps me go through the rest of the guys on the site. Lots of no's - naturally. I didn't expect this to be the super-smart-super-model-single site of my dreams, I just hope there's someone on here to go out with and maybe connect with - and in just the first day, I think there will be. Heck, I just answered questions to a guy I am looking forward to hearing from!

Other things I've learned...you can skip the whole "guided communication" stuff and go for a "fast track" where you end up talking right away - you can have a secure phone call, you can request pictures from guys that don't post pictures - who doesn't post a picture! I'm on there man, what are you afraid of? I really liked a profile of this one guy and then he didn't have a picture. That put me off. You can tell a guy why you're closing the communication/match, or choose not to. I've done both - things like I think our values are too different based on our profiles, or I'm not feeling the chemistry, or the ever popular, "other".

If you get a closed communication notice you can read the message and then the site actually gives you the option to send one more message - only the person that closed the communication can reopen it but you can ask them to take another look at you. Weird? Maybe but I suspect people get pretty judgemental after being on this for a while and if someone doesn't respond quick enough you might close communication before they have a chance to. I had a closed communication with a guy I didn't know about because I wasn't a member. His reason was "other" so I'm not going to pursue it. Too bad, he was kind of cute and I liked his tattoos...oh well!

Icebreakers - a less aggressive hi, I'm interested. Where you can select from a list to say you like someone's smile or ask them to fill out more of their profile. I like those, or I like getting them I should say. I also like that you can only send one each and then you have to move forward or not. Unlike "poking" on facebook which seems to go on forever for no particular reason with most people. I got an icebreaker from a guy that said "Your profile caught my attention, let's chat!". He's cute for sure but there's very little info in his profile so I sent him an icebreaker back that said "You seem interesting, why don't you finish your About Me questions?" - it's not ideal. It's not exactly what I wanted to say but I think I'll have to just go with it, it was the best option on there - Stevie agreed! Man it helps to have someone to ask questions to when you're doing this for the first time!

And ahahaa, there's someone we know on here! Well I don't know him exactly but he's an actor we recognize from the show who is friends with someone that works on the show. Too funny. I'll have to ask her what she thinks, I wasn't moved either way by his profile but it's amusing and a little uncomfortable to recognize someone...

I have moved some guys to a maybe list, not sure why. I just don't want to be too quick to close communication, I'm going into this with an open mind. Maybe after a week or so on here I'll revise the maybe list. Hopefully there will be more guys I'm communicating with so that I'll know those maybe's are actually no's.

And my approach is to be fairly passive on this, it's hard enough for me to be out there doing this, going against my new tactic of not asking guys out, letting them ask me so I'm going to let guys ask me for communication and see where that takes me. So far there's just one or two guys on here that I wish would send me requests to communicate that haven't. We'll see how long I deny my own nature before I send those guys questions or icebreakers. For now, I'm looking forward to hearing back from the first couple of guys I've connected with.

So...tally for day 1:

Questions Answered and Asked back: 2
Icebreakers Returned: 1
Cute Guys: Somewhere between 2-5 of 25
Guys I'd like to hear from that I haven't yet: 2

To E (harmony) Or Not To E (harmony)?

I'm a 32 year old single woman living in the fabulous Metropolitan city of Toronto. I have a great career in television, an amazing group of friends and a very active social life. I play sports, run a book club, take guitar lessons, see bands, movies, go to the theatre, museums, symphony, everything this great city has to offer. So where are the men in this city that I'm doing it all alone?

Working in tv, I am surrounded by some of my good friends and a diverse group of young people with whom to share all of life's experiences. It's winter in Toronto and this leaves us all inside more often having more and more water cooler-type conversations. Inevitably, our dating sagas and duds are a frequent topic...

There seems to be a consensus among my friends (male & female, single and coupled) that the pool of great single men is lacking here. No offense guys, just speaking of a survey of experiences and looking around at the big group of amazing, hot, single women I have the pleasure of knowing. This is not in any way meant to be one of those man-bashing blogs, au contraire! I am hoping this blogs ends with some sort of happily ever after!

I've never online dated. I've always been fairly anti-online dating, saying it's not for me, I don't trust it or myself. I like that chemistry of meeting someone and the process of flirting in person. I know there are success stories out there but I personally don't have people in my immediate circle that have had anything other than a smattering of dates and hours of fun checking out, flirting with and talking to other single people. But no relationships. I also love my life and thinks it's very full as is and going on a number of bad dates on my fairly limited free time just doesn't sound like it's for me.

So where does eharmony come in? We got to talking in the office last week. A particularly frigid and depressing week - I love Toronto but there are days in January and February that can be nothing short of oppressive and we all feel it. I was feeling it. My friend, let's call her *Stevie, and I had just both had mediocre Friday night dates - hers a new guy and mine just someone to pass the time with a few times a year (don't worry, it's very mutual). A guy friend in the office talked about his new foray into the online dating world of okcupid and a familiar conversation about online options ensued: plentyoffish, lavalife, etc, etc... eharmony. Wait, what's eharmony? Isn't that the service with those adorable couple commercials? Stevie says she filled out a profile a year ago but has not paid for it, the profile was really long and kind of fun, I should just do it for the fun of it. They send you matches but you can't see them until you pay, no harm, no commitment, just fill out the profile? Sure, why not?

There's something about eharmony that's very intriguing in ways other online sites aren't. They claim to actually match you to other people based on a number (29 dimensions for anyone interested) of factors based on your initial questionnaire. It is long and kind of fun to fill out. I love surveys though so that was an easy sell on me! And they'll send you matches right away to see if you think it's worth paying the money.

So I filled it out. The next day I had a flood of emails from eharmony saying I had new matches. I read all of their profiles and was impressed with the ways they seemed fairly compatible with me. Lawyers, a guy in film, a teacher, some consultants, sales reps, some IT people, graphic artists, a wide array of men and all local! You can choose your geographic preferences but it was still good to know there are a number of guys in Toronto on here to possibly meet.

I was interested. It isn't like other sites where you randomly search for people with no direction other than hopefully hotness. They send them to you and if you want to see their pictures you have to pay. That's fair I think. There's a certain level of commitment to meeting someone real - at least in my head and that's what we're here to find out! - when you've paid for a service. How much? $250 CDN for a full year - yikes. That's a lot of money - sort of, it's about $20/mth. Or, $3 months for I think $120 - would have to check my facts there so it's about $40/mth that way. Or...$60 one time fee for one month. $60? Sounds like a deal if it means I meet someone great - it's even a bit of a deal to go on a few possible dates. And not that much to lose if nothing comes of it. I was interested.

I read everything on the site, I read the creator's story, I read the "science" behind the matching, I read the real couple success stories, I read the fine print on what they would do with my credit card info if I only picked the one month (they charge you automatically for $50 for another month). I read the blog where some people complained it didn't work for them and down to the answers that said it does seem to work best for 30-somethings in densely populated areas...And they continued to send me matches of totally good sounding guys. And guys requesting communication with me...

So I start to survey my friends what they think: To E (harmony Or Not To E (harmony). Guys, girls, single, coupled, friends, co-workers - all a resounding YES, DO IT! I also threw the idea out there that I'd create this blog to go along with it so they could all follow along - I'm sure that had a bit to do with the fervor behind the YESSES! but taking that into account they all still said yes. Stevie wants to do it too but wavers, I was still not sure.

Cut to: It's Friday night. And payday. I have a clear credit card and a world full of curiosity about these guys that are supposedly matched for me. One of my best friends, *Natalie, happens to be in town that night and drops by for some glasses, er, um, bottles of wine and I tell her what I'm thinking about. This is a friend who's advice and opinion I take very seriously. She's seen me at my best and worst in the past several years and vice versa. She is so excited by the sound of eharmony and me doing it that she gets up goes to her wallet and hands me $60. Not taking no for an answer, "call it a late Christmas, early birthday, for the wine we've just had whatever present!" I guess I'm signing up. But it's 4am so I think I'll wait for tomorrow!