Day 21

Thursday

I feel like I should post a warning, that this might be a long post - but it might also be my last about eharmony. Not just because I've taken a few days off, but because it's going to be introspective. Clearly this process, adventure, journey whatever the heck this is, has changed for me. I went from fairly passive observer to a very active and smitten participant. It went from online to live, real life, faster and better than I ever could have imagined. So how do I share it with you?

I guess I should start with an update. I had a second, amazing date with *Arizona. He's incredible. We're reciprocally enamoured in a way I've never experienced before. I have no insecurities - well, I'd love to have my 28 year old body back but you know, we're talking about real life here ;-) I am already starting to want him to meet my friends, my family, share my life in a way I've never experienced. I don't know if I've ever said that - not for real. He makes me nervous and shy and excited and safe and open and hopeful...are you nauseated yet?

To be honest, I've spent most of my dating life trying to be whatever I thought the guy I was with wanted. I assessed a situation and adapted to it instead of putting what I want out there and seeing if it came back to me. Which this experience has been all about. I kind of hope that seems silly to you. I hope you don't associate with it at all... Up front, I'm on a site about finding a partner, a relationship. Up front, I'm telling random strangers who I am and what I want in that partner. Up front, I'm telling men what I "must have & can't stand" fundamentally in a partner.

For me, this is a complete turnaround. I've specialized in men that are selfish, that aren't emotionally mature, that can't say they want to see me next week without worrying I'm planning our wedding which they ultimately have no interest in. Which, if they'd spent any time getting to know me at all would realize isn't what I want either, but it's always been about them, not me. I've sought these men out. I've found lots of them that weren't even single. It was easier, I invested less, I risked less, and I got less. Way less. I get now, at 32, that it was what I was putting out there. And what I found as a result. What a revelation.

Regardless of whether *Arizona and I end up happily ever after (however we both define that), this 3 week experience has been an experience that real life dating might never have given me. I admit this blog has participated in that learning experience. I'm a private person. I started sharing this with my friends yet quickly wanted to share it with whoever wanted to read it. I got there because of the hugely positive reaction by anyone that's read any part of this. Again, what you put out there, is what you get back. I believe that. I always did but it was lip service before - in terms of relationships for me - it's how I operate in the rest of my life which has been very successful - why I sacrificed that for what is perhaps the most important part of my life - I have no idea. But I'm learning - hopefully, I've learned.

But back to *Arizona :-) It's shockingly bizarre how many things we have in common that we could never have known nor could eharmony have known. And yet eharmony matched us - immediately. We have probably crossed paths numerous times in the last 5 years - realistically, many, many times. But it took this strange online world to connect us. Why? How? Who cares? I'm not going to philosophize or justify or claim that eharmony has some sort of magic that I couldn't have found on my own. Nor am I going to say that it seems to have worked for me therefore it will work for you. I'm going to get back to that later...

So what is happening in my eharmony life? I get about 7-10 matches a day. I do look at them all - definitely not with the fervour and immediacy that I did when I started this but I look all the same. I'm human, I'm curious, I've paid for it. And I've had two dates with *Arizona. But it's in no way a safety net, I'm out there with *Arizona, no reservations, no holding back, I'm 100% in. I am smiling like an idiot savant as I walk down the street, I look forward to everything that's next for us - in time... Wait, here I am talking about *Arizona again. I was trying to talk about my eharmony experience...

Okay, so coincidentally, or not, the other guys I was talking to have been silent and absent - *Chicago and *Minnesota. Clearly they are pursuing other matches and yet they aren't so far gone as to close our communication. In fairness, neither have I. I think it's the "waiting for the other shoe to drop", or, "too good to be true" part of this that has me holding off on closing them myself. We aren't talking about 20 guys here, we're talking about 2. I've ignored or closed every other offer for contact since. No one can compete with *Arizona. Is it because he's real? No. I mean yes of course that has to factor in, but so much more importantly, it's because he's amazing, to me.

I went through the motions of cancelling my membership today. What does that mean? For anyone interested, it's a fairly cryptic system where they will automatically charge your credit card the day your month expires if you don't find this "cancellation" page. I knew this going in. But today I went to close it. It says that if I select this, the day my month expires, I cease to exist on eharmony. I'm totally fine with that. But did I close it? No. Why? I don't know. I will. I'm sure of it. Next week. I have time yet. Writing this, I feel a bit ridiculous.

I feel that I've probably been matched with anyone currently in the database that's of any interest to me. There are a whole lot of matches I am surprised eharmony deems worthy of sending me. I feel like if this doesn't work with *Arizona and I, that I'll definitely be done with eharmony for a while. I'll take a break, I'll take the summer off, I'm not desperate, I love my life and I'm now so in touch with myself I feel like I have whole new lease on my dating life. If after whatever amount of time, I want to try again, I'll shell out the $60 for another month. I have NO intention of sitting on this site month after month - even for just $20 a month - in hopes that the perfect guy is going to sign on while I sit waiting. I think it's the sitting and waiting part that disinterests me. I love my life. I tried this for fun, out of curiosity, because I felt I needed to for some reason, maybe just to get me writing more often. And hopelessly romantically, because maybe I was supposed to meet *Arizona.

So my advice? Try it. IF and it's a big IF, several of them really...IF you really can be honest with yourself in filling out the extensive profile. IF you do know what you really want. IF you are willing to put it out there. IF you can be open minded about someone's profile that might at the start, rub you the wrong way but that you can trust your instincts to pursue. IF, IF, IF. I think I was in the right place personally, emotionally, whatever-ally, for this to work. I'm not trying to deter you, I'm really trying to encourage you if you're wavering, if you're wondering. You really have nothing to lose. It's very safe and nothing if not entertaining! I also have read the data that it seems to work best for 30 somethings in densely populated areas. I'm a perfect market for their "system". But it's working for me - the data is correct. Beyond my analytical, cynical, optimistically rational self, it's working. Beyond all my reservations. Beyond my best hopes. Just know that what you put out there is what you get back. I'm glad I'm finally learning it. Seems so simple but man, its taken me a long time to learn it. And who knew this experience would teach me. Me, that thought I was immune, above, insusceptible, probably not going to be touched by this experience. Sometimes, I love being wrong.

So where does that leave us? My readers - I can't tell you how grateful I've been that any of you are reading and are interested - beyond my girls that I hope support whatever fanciful idea I come up with ;-) - but I am already at the point where it's very personal. I hope I'm not delusional to think that if I shared this with *Arizona, that he'd find it flattering? I haven't read back to see if I really believe that to be true. But this ceases to be an eharmony blog now, it's a relationship blog and I'm not sure that's fair to him. I'm still new to this blogging world.

I do promise to write again before the month expires. I do promise to update you again. Beyond that, I'm not sure. If this started as an eharmony blog then it ends here with - try it.

If it continues to be an outlet I need and enjoy then I'll figure that out. I'm just not sure how I can share this with you and not with him. Or how if I share with you and him that I can be real with either of you. I always anticipated this, I just didn't think it would happen so quickly. Or with so much anticipation and joy on my part. I think honestly that I was so much more ready for it to go on with me still not finding anyone to share my life with, with some dates with varying successes - a "sunglasses guy" here and there haha. *Arizona has taken me completely by surprise and I'm "loving every minute of it" for you Seinfeld fans :-)

Wish me luck!

Tally for Day 21:

Real life relationships happening: 1 !!!

Day 16

Sunday

Here's where the online world gets a little weird for me. This constant access and ability to see what someone is doing when they aren't communicating with you is weird. Or maybe just needs some getting used to...

So I had a great conversation with *Arizona yesterday - initiated by a text from me and what I kind of thought might result in a call back from him - which it did. We talked for 25 minutes and solidified plans for next week. He was on his way to his brother's and I was on my way to a friend's birthday party...

I logged into eharmony this morning - out of curiosity, it's become part of a routine of sorts. I had 9 new matches today - none worth mentioning. But here's the thing...in my "match update" section it says *Arizona updated his profile. So I looked, he's added two pictures. - yesterday, after we talked as far as I know. He hasn't been to my profile since Friday and I hadn't been to his either but now he's going to know I looked at his.

In no way do I expect that he's done with eharmony any more than I am. I think it might frighten me more to know after one date and a couple of conversations that he was ready to throw in the towel on dating, as romantic a gesture as that might be... But that doesn't change the fact that it's strange. And now he'll see that I looked at him, which means that he knows I was a) on the eharmony site and b) he may realize I know he changed his profile.

I guess it's just that in real life I wouldn't know any of these things. Perhaps it would be the same if were were facebook friends, stalking each other as seems to be the norm for people these days. And yet the difference is we're both on a fairly serious dating site and can see at least in little ways, whether the other has been on it or not. Ignorance might have some bliss to it yet...

I know, I'm blogging about him and he doesn't even know and that might become a much bigger issue than the small fact that we're both still looking at eharmony. And at some point, this might all come out in the wash. I'm sharing only in the interests of somewhat full disclosure that I'm still finding parts of this whole process weird and difficult.

But, ultimately, I'm going to trust in the fact that I'm so excited to see him in a couple of days and am already thinking about the time after that...

Wish me luck!

Tally for Day 16:

New Matches Worth Mentioning: 0
Weird Insecurities and Nerves Showing: Some ;-)

Day 15

Saturday

So no, I didn't run away to Vegas and get hitched haha and I wasn't abducted by a crazy internet guy. But I did need a couple of days to bask in the glow of a great first date and what seems to be an amazing man. It has changed this experiment for me. In the way I had hoped of course but I don't know if I ever believed it was possible.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves, I know it was just one date. Still, it was the best date I've had in two years. There was chemistry and flirting and almost 6 straight hours of great conversation. We connect on so many levels it's almost hard to believe. I didn't look at the time once and have more butterflies now than I had before the date. Ask anyone that saw me over the next couple of days, I was glowing from within!

So what does that mean for my eharmony self? I think I'd be getting ahead of myself if I closed up shop and applied to eharmony for *Arizona and I to be their next cute commercial couple! As much potential as I feel with *Arizona I don't want to have a couple of more dates and find out he's crazy in some capacity or that our initial connections were too surface or that there's nothing more than chemistry there. But I have to give some serious credit to eharmony for such an incredible first met-online date. They really are on to something here. I keep saying he's a man, not a boy, a man. No games, no waiting and wondering if he likes me. It's true about the message in that book "he's just not that into you" - when he is into you, you know it. How nice!

I could really talk about *Arizona for pages but I'll spare you that and just give you the after date update. He sweetly texted me the next afternoon and we made plans for dinner next week. He called me that night to chat and talk about where we'd go, and we talked for 25 minutes today!

What I've done with respect to eharmony is continue to look at the matches they send me - 7 or 8 of them per day since I met *Arizona. Certainly not with the same excitement or immediacy that I have been - I didn't check them at all yesterday. And I closed a ton of matches - many first question requests from men I haven't really wanted to respond to, I closed communication with *Seattle - telling him in my form closed message that I was pursuing another match. I was wished luck by a few of them and one who I hadn't answered his questions asked me to reconsider, he thought we had potential. I'm much quicker and more decisive - I learned something from *Boston, and feel it's respectful to tell them I'm pursuing someone else. I don't want to waste anyone's time.

There have been a couple of guys that if I could pretend *Arizona doesn't exist, sound interesting. None of them have contacted me which I think is a good thing. I don't know what I'll do if they do. The fact is I can't pretend *Arizona doesn't exist - he does and he's great! It certainly is hard if not impossible for any online profile to compete with a live human being I've connected with. And have continued to connect with almost every day since we've met.

I want this experiment to work, I want to believe *Arizona and I were meant to meet and perhaps this way and that there is something to the eharmony matching process. I'll be the first to recommend eharmony to anyone curious already, let alone whether this works out between *Arizona and I. I want a relationship, that's mostly why I did this. I also want to take it slow and have it be real. So for now, the profile stays up and I'll keep you posted...

Wish me luck!

Tally for Day 15:

Real Connections Made: 1

Day 12

Wednesday

S.M.I.T.T.E.N. !!!

Day 11

Tuesday

An uneventful day over all. Only 6 new matches, none worth mentioning and no communication from any of the others I've been talking to. It's a good thing I have a date tomorrow or I might be feeling a little less enthused by the whole eharmony thing today! I know, every day can't be a banner day, I'm sure I won't always be wowed and entertained...and it was good to have a day of just work, much like a pre-eharmony day. It was nice to forget about it and as such, it gave me those moments where I'd remember I'm meeting *Arizona tomorrow and smile...and wonder what to wear!!!

As there wasn't any real action to participate in tonight, I spent a bit of time going through all the matches that were in my "maybe" tab and closing the majority of them - there were over 40 since the first day! Some had posted new pictures which helped. Some I requested their photo as their profile was interesting but I won't know unless I can make some visual contact with them. I just don't want to leave matches open indefinitely because I'm wondering what they look like. I edited my profile a bit as I had read through it with a friend today and thought, now that I'm more comfortable with this process, I wanted to change a bit of what I put out there.

There is one guy from yesterday that looked at my profile today that I had been interested in when I saw his yesterday. He'll see that I looked at his again today too, perhaps that will nudge him in the direction of initiating contact with me. To be continued...or not...we'll see.

So my first eharmony date comes on Day 12 of this adventure - I'm really looking forward to it. *Arizona seems pretty great, very real, mature, down to earth, he's older which I've always thought would be good for me and he's taken the initiative - all good signs. I'm not nervous the way I sometimes can be but that doesn't suggest a lack of enthusiasm. I have a feeling I'm going to have a really good time. I hope so anyway! Wish me luck!

Tally for Day 12:

New Matches Worth Mentioning: 0
Outfits to plan for a date: 1 !!

Day 10

Monday

Double digit days. First person to person contact. I called *Arizona! We had a great talk - 23.25 minutes according to my phone log. Not too much beyond the "recommended" first call. Not that it was on my mind when we were talking! Just an afterthought as I write this. It went really well. Get this... I am the first person he got as a match after he paid last week. We joined just days apart and I was the first match he could see that he looked at. Is it just me or is that potentially really romantic! And he told me about it in our first call. That tells me he's open, he isn't hiding anything from me. I reciprocated by telling him it's only been a week for me. He also offered up , or maybe I asked, I don't remember...that he's on eharmony because two of his best, long time friends have been in long relationships because of eharmony. I'm beginning to really believe this system works - is that weird? I don't mean to pretend I think *Arizona is the guy for me but I'm open to the possibility.

So! We're going out on Wednesday. Wish me luck! My first eharmony date...

I'm a bit fascinated by the conversation in a sense - for the first time ever, I had the guy's number to call, I didn't passively give him mine and wait to hear from him. I called, when it worked for me. He asked me to get together and I picked the date and time. He picked the place because it was convenient for me - oddly enough, one of my favourite haunts haha! And suggested a possible activity that I would totally love, that he had no idea before he said it, but was spot on! There's a definite compatibility here, or at least, what appears to be a compatibility. And a definite confidence in me that perhaps I wouldn't have if we'd met first. Definitely in part because I know he is interested in what he knows about me, he fast tracked, he sent me 2 messages before I said a word and the second had his phone number in it. He wanted me to call, I'm sure that made it easier. I don't know what it all means. But I'm feeling good about it, about him, about this whole process. *Natalie...thank you for nudging me (to use an eharmony word haha) in this direction. Regardless of what happens, you're right, so far, this has been good for me, as me. No matter what happens.

Meanwhile, *Minnesota sent back his "MH/CS" - is that strange to talk about dating one guy and talking to another? It is for me, but in online terms I don't think it is. Not that I know, it's still all new to me. I just think, so what, I've had one conversation with a guy, so I'm going to put a hold on anyone else until I meet him? I don't think that's the point of this. I suspect that will change quickly if I have a good time with *Arizona. I really am a one-guy kind of girl. Perhaps that's been part of my reluctance about trying online dating. Too much buffet, not enough Kobe beef.

So, *Minnesota's "MH/CS" were great. We had four on each side that matched and there was nothing in his that struck a wrong note with me. I wanted to learn more. So I sent three short answer questions to him. I do look forward to hearing back from him.

It does change things when there's a real person involved. A person I've phoned. A person I've spoken to and shared some part of my life with. Someone I am looking forward to meeting - what am I going to wear???? If I like him, this will get tougher. A real person instead of 10+ people a day that I'm reading about and considering talking to. But one date, is one date, and I guess we'll see...

Speaking of, 9 new matches, but I think I've got enough going on!

Tally for Day 10:

Live contact by phone made: 1 !!!
Date to meet scheduled: 1 !!!
Must Haves/Can't Stands Returned: 1
New Matches Worth Mentioning: 0

Day 9

Sunday

Well, the answer I've been waiting for came in today...*Boston closed our communication. He did leave me a closed message - a list of reasons, you can check any or all that apply - he checked that he is pursuing other matches at eharmony. I suspected that. That doesn't mean I'm not disappointed.

But that's really it. I'm not hurt, I'm somewhat relieved because now I know and I don't sit wondering. Which in real life would be totally different. I'd be wondering why he didn't call when he seemed into me and probably stupidly text him or something trying to illicit a response. I've mentioned my forwardness...anyway, this kept me from doing that, I feel fine about what communications we shared and if I'm not for him, so be it. Really. I think I would have been more upset if he had done it right after we had all that contact. I would have taken it more personally, I would have thought it was something I said. And maybe it was, I'll never know. But I appreciate that he closed the match and gave me a reason, neither of which he was required to do. He could have left it open, he could have let me wonder. See, I knew he was a good guy, haha, just not the guy for me.

So just out of curiosity sake, I could have one more contact with him, I could choose to send him a final reply to his closed message - which I would think of doing if I had more control over what you can say, but these are the only options available in that section and none of them are me at all...

- I have now posted my photo and when it is approved it should be available to you.
- I have completed all my Match Profile questions.
- Good luck with your search.
- I really felt that we had potential. I'd like you to reconsider.

- I think if we met, you might have different feelings about who I am.

I don't want to say any of those things to him. The last two have a hint of desperation that I have no intention of sending him. Sometimes I get the "good luck with your search" message when I close matches. Sometimes I think that's nice and other times that its just unnecessary. So on that note, I'll just let *Boston close the match. He can at any time reopen the match if he changed his mind, but for me, this is over. Bye-bye *Boston!

The other good thing about this is that I'm going to be more open when I talk to *Arizona - I emailed him today to say I'll call him tomorrow. I have a couple of concerns about *Arizona and I am kind of missing the information I would have gotten if we continued in the guided communication. But ultimately this isn't a game, it's a chance to meet someone so let's get on with the meeting! I don't have butterflies in the way I had for *Boston and that I even have a little bit with *Chicago but on the other hand, I have a weird comfort level with *Arizona. I don't know if it's the fact we're in the same business or if he just seems that down to earth but I am a bit nervous about calling him. I've just never done this before, like this. Wish me luck!

Speaking of *Chicago, he looked at my profile today but still no answer to my questions. I wonder if this is like *Boston and that means he's communicating with someone else and waiting to see what happens. I'm totally fine with that if that's the case, but the fact that I keep bringing him up means I do want to hear from him.

In new news...the guy from yesterday with the icebreaker and no picture sent my his first five questions and posted a picture! A cute picture! So I answered *Minnesota's questions and sent him mine - they were mostly the same questions I ask which hasn't really happened yet. I more or less send the same questions, give or take a couple depending on what is or isn't in his profile and what he asked me. He answered my questions pretty quickly - the same way I answered his more or less! I liked that for some reason so later in the day I sent him my "MH/CS". We'll see what happens next!

10 new matches today - 0 worth mentioning.

Tally for Day 9:

Matches Closed on Me worth mentioning aka First (online) Heartbreak: 1
First Questions Asked I Answered: 1
First Questions Asked He Answered: 1
Must Haves/Can't Stands Sent by me: 1
New Matches Worth Mentioning: 0

Day 8

Saturday

I accepted *Arizona's fast track request. He wrote a really nice email about liking my profile and he thinks he gets where I'm coming from so would like to talk to me, the steps feeling a bit unnecessary to him. After I accepted that first message he wrote me another one saying he's glad I accepted the open communication and sent me his number to call whenever is good for me. It makes me nervous to be the one to call but it is what is recommended by the site, that the guy give his number to the girl to call when she's comfortable - other advice, just for interest's sake...that the first conversation should be only around 15 minutes. Interesting, not entirely sure why but they seem to have something here so I'll see if that makes sense after we talk. Maybe I'll call him tomorrow...or Monday.

Nothing from *Boston. I'm thinking he's not sure about me or has someone (or someone's!) he's talking to instead. I get this feeling because he was all over me in the beginning of the week, initiating, getting right back to me and now this lull...I guess we'll see.

No answers from *Chicago either but he hasn't been in to look at my profile today.

*Seattle and I exchanged "MH/CS" and they're seemingly compatible. I just don't have any real feelings about him or for him. I'm not sure I should keep talking to him. Or maybe I should try the short answers and see what I think then. That is the thing about this online format, there's no investment and if you hurt each others feelings there aren't any real repercussions because you've never spoken or met. I'll think about it for another day or so.

9 new matches today. Several of them didn't have pictures. One of them sent me a "just wanted to say hi" icebreaker but there's no picture! If he sends me first questions I'll request one. Other than that, nothing new worth mentioning.

Tally for Day 8:

Fast Track Accepted by me: 1 !!
Emails Received Under Open Communication: 2 !!
New Matches Worth Mentioning: 0

Day 7

Friday.

So I'm through week 1 of this adventure. I have a friend at work *Gordie who is trying his own online dating world with okcupid and has been on it a bit longer than I've been trying eharmony. I have to say it appears I've made the right choice. *Gordie has so far had two lesbians separately, yet on the same day, proposition him to try men one more time, and a creepy looking goth girl with a boyfriend contact him, and not much else worth mentioning. Granted, I'm 8 years older so may have more serious suitors, but still... *Gordie's experience is exactly why I've avoided online dating thus far. But eharmony so far has been kind of awesome. There are 3 guys I'm quite interested in and am excited about talking with and a 4th that I'm not sure about, but am taking the steps to see where it leads. In a week. That's about as many guys as I would have listed as of interest to me in all of the last year. And as long as they are being truthful, I know more about them than the ones I met and dated in real life. Interesting...

So no word from *Boston. It appears he hasn't looked at my profile since I sent my answers late on Wednesday night. There's a "Who's Viewed Me" tab that shows who has looked at your profile in the past 2 weeks by each day. And I've been avoiding looking at his profile so he couldn't see that I was basically waiting to hear from him. I wasn't entirely sure it was accurate to go by that tab but it seems to be right, it reflects people I've heard from AND he appears to have looked tonight!!

So I'm fairly certain now he's read my answers. It is Valentine's Day weekend so I don't romanticize hearing from him this weekend. Although if I did hear from him by him "opening communication" with me, I'd certainly accept! That would mean we can then communicate by email as long as like on their site or exchange other ways to speak. But I guess he's thinking about it...I have to remember that he could be speaking to lots of women and this next stage is pretty much the step where you decide to speak and meet. If he's as great as he seems, there are probably lots of women he's talking to and getting responses from. But, he did initiate with me and reciprocated each step quickly so I'm still hoping he'll open the communication...soon?!?!! Yes, I am impatient! It just speaks to the fact that I do like him...

I sent *Arizona my "MH/CS" and he replied with a "Fast Track" request!!! This means he wants to skip the rest of the guided communication, he didn't send me his "MH/CS", he just wants to talk. Part of me likes the steps in "guided communication" but I'm flattered he wants to meet me. I think I'll let this wait until tomorrow.

It is weird for me to think about seeing *Arizona and wanting to see *Boston and wanting to hear from *Chicago all at the same time. It's very opposite to my nature to juggle men and in real life I might wait to see if I hear from *Boston again before moving forward with *Arizona but I guess this is all part of the online process and I don't want to miss opportunities and if *Arizona had come first or there was no *Boston or *Chicago then how would I feel? It's really hard to know.

Speaking of *Chicago, I moved forward by sending him my 3 short answer questions. I'm really looking forward to getting his answers to learn more about him. I was so impressed with his "MH/CS" that he seems very different than my first impression - different in great ways. Again I don't anticipate hearing from him on Valentine's Day and it's also a long weekend so I'm not sure there will be any update on him for a while. But he could prove me wrong again!

The 4th guy I've been mentioning, that I'm not sure about but exchanged first questions with yesterday - *Seattle - I chose not to communicate with today. I am not sure if I want to go down this road with him but need to keep my mind open. He seems fun and funny, he could be a great guy. I don't have a huge physical attraction to him but there is something about him that I find endearing. My friend *Courtney thinks he looks great so maybe I'll send him my "MH/CS", I'm going to wait on that until tomorrow too.

I received 9 new matches today and none worth mentioning. Not that I feel like there isn't enough on the go right now! But I have to keep myself open...the right guy for me might be in my inbox at any point (if he isn't already) and a crush on a guy (or 3) on a screen isn't realistic enough for me yet, so the adventure continues...

Tally for Day 7:

New Matches Worth Mentioning: 0
Must Haves/Can't Stands Sent by me: 1
Fast Track Requested by him: 1 !!
Short Answer Questions Sent by me: 1

Day 6

Thursday...

So *Boston probably read my answers today...I must admit I reread them myself a few times to see if I was happy with what I wrote. They're okay. Give me too much time to analyze something of mine and I'll find ways I would like to improve it. But its fine and I don't think there's anything in there that would make him close the match but I guess we'll see. I was wordier than I think I needed to be - shocking, I know. And I wish I had edited a bit more before hitting send, - that's what a bit of wine will do I suppose, but he's going to have to get to know and like that me too so I have no problem with sharing my slightly more gregarious side already...but it's natural to have insecurities and nervousness about it, I think there's potential that I like this guy. Feels weird saying that about someone I've never spoken to live or in person, but that's online dating I suppose. I was very honest - even admitting that a friend had paid for a one month subscription to encourage me to try it. This all-honestly, all-upfront, all-the-time, is scary and refreshing and hard and introspective and...and...and...

The day ended without hearing from him...but that's okay, I mean I have no idea how many other women he's at this point with or already dating for that matter. And maybe he's waiting to hear from some other girl first - who knows? He hasn't closed the match so...wish me luck!

In the meantime! *Chicago sent me back his "MH/CS" and I was really impressed. I'm going to ignore whatever it was initially that made me think there wasn't much depth to him and give him more credit - I think I felt that way because there wasn't as much information in his profile as I would have liked. He talks about intelligence and education in his "MH/CS" and other really important traits that I had listed as well - I think we shared 4 on each side, Must Haves and Can't Stands, and I definitely could easily have interchanged some of his with some of mine. There was just one that in his Must Haves that has me humming and hawing... "Attractiveness...... I must have a partner who is considered "very attractive" by most current standards."

Don't get me wrong, I want someone attractive - to me. Whether that is "current standard" or not, is the part that throws me off. He is a very good looking guy so understandably he wants someone very attractive as a partner. That doesn't bother me. Maybe just that it's in his list of top 10 Must Haves that I'm bothered by it when there were so many other choices I personally would have picked and did pick first. But whatever, such a minor thing for now, I'm really looking forward to getting to know more about him because his profile doesn't say much at all. I'll send him my 3 short-answer questions...tomorrow.

I received 15 new matches today and there's a new guy in there that I'm interested in talking to. And he sent me his first 5 questions as well so we're off to a good start. *Arizona and I work in the same business which I've generally preferred to avoid because I like to learn about other jobs and why someone is passionate about doing something else but I definitely wouldn't discount someone in my industry. Interestingly, I sent him back my 5 questions and he answered them very well - including a blurb about our business that struck a chord with me! Quite a lot of contact on this first day...so I'll wait until tomorrow to send him my "MH/CS".

Another guy I had kept in my "maybe" section asked me his first 5 questions today. I'm on the fence about this guy from my initial reading of his profile and looking through his pictures but there's something about him that says I'll see where it goes. And he initiated so I answered his questions and sent him mine and he replied to them as well - not that I respond to everyone that initiates - not even close. But I had looked at his profile a few times and put him under my "maybe" tab which for me, means I might respond if they initiate. I haven't decided whether I'm ready to send my "MH/CS" yet. This talking to many guys about such personal info so soon is a bit weird - and it's only Day 6!

Tally for Day 6:

New Matches Worth Mentioning: 1
1st Questions Received that I Answered: 2
1st Questions I sent that were Answered: 2
Must Haves/Can't Stands Exchanged: 2

Day 5

Wednesday

What started as a fairly uneventful eharmony day, there was a very exciting ending!!

I received 11 new matches in the morning and apparently I was wrong, there are a lot more guys out there to match me with, that aren't all duds. Perhaps they don't want to inundate me with them all at once so they space them out - I do receive about 10-12 a day on average. There was one guy in there I thought sounded interesting but I don't intend to initiate with him, if he's interested he can contact me.

I received answers to my questions from *Chicago - they were good answers. Next step, I have to send my "must haves/can't stands" which from here on I'm going to shorten to "MH/CS", I'm long winded enough, I could use a short form or two! I would have sent them right away but he has taken a day or two to respond to each step so far, so I'll do the same. But I will send them. I'm curious if he'll close the match based on them. Not sure why my gut says we're not that compatible, but I'm keeping my mind open, I've been wrong about a lot of guys in my life!

The most exciting news of yesterday is that *Boston answered my 3 short answer questions!!! I can't tell you how excited I was when I got that notification - but I didn't read them right away. I was cooking dinner for a good friend, *Tracy - who made an excellent point about eharmony that I hadn't thought of...she's in marketing and so thinks about these kind of things - she said that the thing that makes eharmony stand out over the other sites like lavalife is their advertising strategy and placement. Lavalife airs commercials late at night, targeting the drunk-dialing type of single who's looking for someone to hook up with whereas eharmony advertises in the day, prime time. Gives them another notch of credibility if you ask me.

Anyway! Back to *Boston! His answers were great!! He thought about them and wrote full answers, not just a few words. It appears that we come from similar places with respect to the towns we grew up in, the reasons we're trying eharmony, and what we think of it so far.

And! Very interestingly, I posted a few more pictures of myself to my profile, definitely in part thinking it might interest *Boston. I had a few there already but they were just of me, fairly standard profile pictures and I wanted to show him a bit more about my life - and consequently anyone else I talk to as this goes on and I talk to more guys. And I know *Boston looked at them because he commented on one of them in one of his answers - kind of off hand, not related to the question he was answering!! I liked that he went out of the box to make that comment even though it's about him not being a cat person. Too bad, but I've converted others so I'm not daunted by it!

And! Probably not coincidentally, he put up a couple of new pictures!!! So we're non-verbally communicating too. Interesting. And both pictures were amazing - things he's done in his life, adventure and volunteer work too!!! Is this guy for real??? I sure hope so.

Next step - he sent me three short answer questions back. Three good questions as well, he of course sends back the one about why I joined eharmony, I expected to get that one back! They were all from the pre-selected list but they were all good. One I was totally stumped by but I managed an answer that may or may not have actually answered the question. Either way it told him something about me. I started my first answer by saying I liked his answers and that I appreciated that he seemed to have put thought into them. I also said I know that might be counter "guided communication" guidelines but that I was willing to say it anyway.

So what's next??? OPEN COMMUNICATION!! He has to iniate this step (good! I'm tired of having to take the next step! although appreciative that he's responding and reciprocating). So now it's a waiting game. I can't imagine anything I said in my answers that would make him end our communication here but then again, this is all new to me! Open communication means that eharmony will provide us with a secure email to keep talking opening. We can also request a secure phone call and talk to each other. Or forego the whole eharmony aspect and exchange real emails/numbers - but I think we're a ways from that yet. But I am really hoping I get to meet this guy at some point.

In other news, I was "nudged" today that I found a bit annoying. Apparently there's this feature that eharmony will send me an email "nudging" me from some guy who has sent me questions that I haven't answered yet. I get that some people on this site probably don't check it with the frequency I am or perhaps that it wanes over time, especially if you're getting frustrated with the results but I still don't think nudging is ever necessary. He can see that I looked at his profile - there's a "Who's Viewed Me" section that shows you by day who looked at you. So, I'm going to look again today and probably close that match.

Okay *Boston...ball is in your court...Open Communication (hopefully) here we come!

Tally for Day 5:

New Matches Worth Mentioning: 0 - but 1 I liked if he contacts me.
Short Answer Questions He Answered: 1 !!!
Short Answer Questions Asked of me: 1 !!!
Short Answer Questions I Answered: 1 !!!
First Questions Asked of Me: 4
First Questions I Answered: 1

Day 4

Tuesday...

I woke up hoping to have heard from *Boston, hoping he had sent me his "must haves/can't stands" after reading mine. No word yet. Went to work, worked, forgot about all this for a few hours and decided to take a quick eharmony break...

*Boston had sent me his "must haves/can't stands"!!!!!!!!!!!! And they were great! We had 5 of 10 the same "must haves" - which is good (I think) considering the number of choices there were to start with. And there were 4 of 10 "can't stands" in common - again quite good (I think)! And his seemed very thoughtful and purposeful - to the point where I did go back and edit my "hates their job" one and replaced it with "pessimism" - coincidentally one of his as well. So 5 of 5 on each side. I'm beginning to wonder if there is something to this matching after all.

Next step? Send 2nd Questions. Again I have to initiate this next step - I guess that's part of the "guided communication" and a process they believe works - you both have to initiate equally to keep it going. And so far so good! I was really excited that we'd gotten to this step 3 of 5 before we get to openly communicate (over a secure non-traceable email). I was feeling good about sharing the "must haves/can't stands" and thinking we may have potential.

Now I don't want to share all of *Boston's list because he shared those with me in what qualifies as the closest thing to a private conversation we've had... but I do want to say that he did cover some very fundamental beliefs I also share - where he could have chosen what I consider to be more surface answers. For example, he could have chosen "I can't stand to have a partner that is a television junkie"...which might be a deal breaker for us as I am a self-professed tv junkie (even in those exact words on a couple of my other online identities)! That's quite a hate on for tv if you choose it as 1 of your 10 "can't stands" when your other choices are things like "I can't stand having a partner who is...Racist, Hypochondriac, Victim Mentality, Liar, etc, etc." I'm just trying to qualify that I think we've both put thought into these lists and in sharing them. And that I'm pleased we agree on what I've now recognized for myself are essential qualities in a partner.

And that, so far, *Boston doesn't hate tv junkies ;-)

My friend *Natalie sent me an encouraging email today with some very sweet insight in a similar train of thought - she's been reading along. She said "I think the entire process is fascinating and what I like is that by going through this it is actually making you really reflect on what you really ARE looking for rather then what you think that you want! No matter if eharmony is for you or not I think it allows you to be introspective and that is important for any future relationship!!". Well put Natalie, well put.

So, Send 2nd Questions is my opportunity to ask *Boston 3 more "short-answer" questions that I can write entirely myself (in 240 characters or less!) or select from a list of suggested questions. I felt most of their suggestions have been answered in our profiles and first questions - again very interesting... but I did find 2 there that I was able to rewrite and put together in my voice for him. I pooled the office on what they would ask if they had this kind of opportunity, we had a candid conversation and came up with some good options! Thanks team!!

So I sent *Boston 3 questions I'm looking forward to the answers to. It took me some hours to come up with them so I imagine it will take him some time to answer them. Of the 3, I'm curious about this one from the list "why did you join eharmony?" - to which I added "and what has your experience been with it?" He's seemed quite open and honest so far, asking me things about fears in relationships and even parenting so I have every reason to think this next step will be a good one. Then he gets to send me 3 questions as well.

I'm beginning to think I might get to meet this *Boston - seems really quick and yet, like we know quite a bit about each other. Certainly more than I knew on my last blind date, where, for those familiar with the story know, it was a bit of a disaster. I'm referring of course to "backwards sunglasses guy"! I was set up by a friend of mine with a guy she worked with and he and I emailed 2 or 3 times before deciding to meet. In about half an hour we both knew we had nothing in common, no physical spark, poor conversation - ending the evening with a 45 minute conversation on "have you seen (insert any popular movie title here)?" being asked of me repeatedly. Ouch. 3 hours I can't have back. If we'd met on this site I wouldn't have gone out with him, I'd already know there was no "match" there. In fairness, the best part about this date was that it ended mutually with neither of us desiring any further contact. Which turned out well for me because a month later I learned from my friend that his ex-girlfriend was 3 months pregnant and they were going to make a go of it! Dating...gotta love it.

In other news...my icebreaker friend *Chicago sent me his first request for communication, he sent me 5 questions! I think I'm beginning to get the hang of this site. I have reservations about *Chicago based on my experiences with *Denver and *Boston. In comparison, *Chicago has very little information in his profile that isn't the bare minimum and certainly not insightful into what he's really like. And his first 5 questions are somewhat surface in comparison to theirs as well so I'm a bit more doubtful about our compatibility... but I'm not judging, it's a step up from the ice breaker and I want to hear what he has to say to my questions so maybe he's just been on here a while and is more reserved. Or any other number of reasons I could come up with, but why speculate? I thought there was at least another round of questions coming from *Denver and he ended things on my "must haves/can't stands"! So clearly I don't know what I'm talking about, it's Day 4 haha. Let's see what happens when he reads my answers and my questions...

No new matches worth mentioning. There seem to be matches coming in as usual but their profiles are must less detailed and are starting to expand in geographical distance from me as well. Does this mean I'm getting matches with less percentage in common but still meeting the 29 dimensions somehow? Am I reliant now just on what's been sent to me already and whoever might sign up in the meantime? I have no idea.

So tally for Day 4:

Must Haves/Can't Stands Sent back to me: 1 !!
Stage 3 - Sent to him 3 more questions: 1 !!
5 questions initiated to me that I responded to: 1 !!

Waiting for Answers to 5 questions from: 2 - same two from the other day but there's a tab you can click on to see who has looked at your profile in that day and neither of them has been to my profile today so either they're not interested or they haven't checked yet...

New matches worth mentioning: 0

Day 3

Monday...

Hmmm, interesting day.

I checked my new matches in the morning and not only was there a very hot guy in the list, but he had already requested communication and sent me his first five questions! I like the initiative. So I waited a few hours and sent him my answers and my own questions. He responded really quickly - I think within a couple of hours! So he gets a name for sure! *Boston had me very intrigued. And I loved his answers. So far so good! So now what?

Here I am at the same place I was at with *Denver yesterday. They say the next step is to send my 10 "must haves/can't stands". I really don't like this being the next step but it's growing on me, I'll explain later. I even emailed the website to ask if we both have the option of sending these or if I am the only one with that option. I frustratingly got a form email not answering my question but explaining the whole "guided communication" process. It doesn't matter, I'd already decided to send him my "must haves/can't stands" - after showing them to a couple of guy friends in the office! Oh, and while I was at it, I sent them to *Denver too in case that was the next step with us too!

No other new matches worth mentioning.

During the day my adventure with eharmony became a more public conversation. I didn't shy from it, I probably even offered more information than was asked - I think I decided when I was going to blog along with this that I would be open about it. And who chooses to blog and hopes no one reads it? Those people have diaries... So I shared, and that being said, I received nothing but positive feedback about my experiment. And I learned that someone knows someone who just met their "dream guy" on eharmony and they're head over heals. There's hope!!!

When I got home I logged in to find that *Denver had "closed communication" and I read the message that came with - the completely uninformative and all encompassing "other" option as to why he wanted to close communication with me. Oddly, I don't really care. I did sense even before this that that he was more "extreme camper" and I was more "nice hotel" than our ultimate compatibility would stand. That's not fair, I actually think my interest in my career and my desire for a partner with a similar mentality was a bigger factor. Would I say that if *Boston weren't in the picture? I'm not sure. What interested me more was why he closed communication 3 hours (love the time stamp!) after I sent my "must haves/can't stands".

You know I have trouble with having to choose this list and having to share it so soon in a new "match". And yet, having a few hours to sit with it, I'm getting more used to the idea. I feel good about my list and think it really does represent the kind of man I want in a partner - and after all, isn't the whole point of this site to realistically determine if there is relationship potential with these people? If I was just looking for some entertainment, a date, a flirtation, wouldn't I just use a free, more popular site? And isn't this site designed to help weed out people you ultimately wouldn't want to end up with? So even though I'm not sold on having to give up this list so soon - and in the site's defense, they ask you repeatedly to take this list seriously and they make you review it before you send it (which I did with my friends at work before I sent!) - at the same time if you close our communication based on my list, then how can you be the right guy for me?

Which leads to all of these internal questions. Am I being too specific in my list? There are a lot of possibilities to choose from so am I sure these 10 on each side really represent what I "must have" and "can't stand"? Is the list too daunting? Requiring a too perfect man? What does my list say about me? How can you ask me 5 questions, answer mine - both of which were very compatible in my opinion and then receive my list and close communication?

You're curious aren't you? To see how specific this list is and how potentially unrealistic my "must haves and can't stands" might be? Okay...in the efforts of full disclosure (at least for now!), here is my list and the definitions that go with them...

Must Haves

Haha, total aside here, I just fast forwarded through a commercial break (I love my PVR) and saw a segment ad for the 6pm news of today on "online dating, your profile can make or break your chances" ahahaha. Anyway...

Autonomy...
	I must have a partner who will give me space to be my own person.
Intellect...
	I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.
Sense of Humor...
	I must have someone who is sharp and can enjoy the humorous side of life.
Loyal...
	I must have someone I can count on to always support me.
Self-Confident...
	I must have a partner who knows and believes in himself/herself throughout life's ups and downs.
Communicator...
	I must have someone who is good at talking and listening.
Adaptability...
	I must have a partner who is able to adapt to life's surprises.
Curiosity...
	I must have a partner who is hungry for new information and knowledge and who strives to learn as much as possible.
Affectionate...
	I must have someone who is comfortable giving and receiving affection.
Chemistry...
	I must feel deeply in love with and attracted to my partner.

Can't Stands

Worrier...
	I can't stand someone who easily loses perspective and constantly worries.
Anger...
	I can't stand someone who can't manage their anger, who yells, or bottles it up inside.
Dependence...
	I can't stand someone who bases their happiness on me.
Boorishness...
	I can't stand someone who is inclined to rowdy, vulgar or disrespectful behavior when "having fun."
Rude...
	I can't stand someone who is belittling, impatient or hateful to people in any situation.
Poor Hygiene...
	I can't stand someone who is not clean.
Childishness...
	I can't stand someone who is not emotionally mature.
Undependable...
	I can't stand someone who fails to come through and is unreliable.
Depressed...
	I can't stand someone who is constantly unhappy about their life.
Unhappy at Work...
	I can't stand someone who hates their job and complains about it all the time.

There is only one in there - this last one about being unhappy at work - that I might change. I know people end up in jobs they hate, I've been there but I'm fairly sure I didn't complain about it all the time - at least not without a plan to change that.

Any thoughts you want to share? I'm open to your thoughts!!

There is a huge selection to choose from so these may or may not seem like no-brainers in a must have can't stand list but as I say, the selection is very large. But I am happy with this list. And if this list makes you discount me as a mate then perhaps that's for the best. So I'm getting used to this step in the "guided communication".

Which brings me back to *Boston. He was full speed ahead with me until now. Is that related to the list? Who knows. He seems to be as active in his personal life as I am and who knows how comfortable he is about sending his list? But I haven't heard from him, and I'd really like to. But the ball is completely in his court and I have no way of controlling it from here. That's something I'm adjusting to but am kind of enjoying at the same time. I'll keep you posted...

So in my profile, there's one section that allows you to say whatever you want that you think they should know about you (in under 200 words haha) which right now for me says that this is my first online dating experience and that while I'm excited and open minded about it I do have some nervous reservations. So I debate with myself whether I should expand on this to mention I'm on a 30 day trial and that if that changes, I'll change that section. And that if I seem somewhat over-participatory (probably not a word even if hyphenated!) that it's because I do feel a bit on a time limit. That's probably off putting right? I'd caveat that with something about my doubt about online dating and my understanding that the perfect guy might sign up on day 31 and I'd never know. But really, if I'm being honest, I'm just qualifying my aggressiveness that I think might be one of the reasons I've been single more often than not for the last (not-willing-to-share) years. ;-) So let's see if the guy that likes me - for me - is here.

Tally for Day 3...

Must haves/Can't stands sent: 2
Must haves/Can't stands responded to: 1 - negatively, bye bye *Denver
Must haves/Can't stands not responded to: 1
New Matches I want to communicate with: 0 out of 5
Guys who haven't responded to my icebreaker/first questions/picture requests: 4

Day 2

Sunday...

I woke up nice and late on Sunday to my blinking blackberry...the cute guy who's questioned I answered and then asked my own has responded to my questions! I think it's time to name this guy and so let's pick places so as not to give anything away...so *Denver answered my questions. And no, I didn't get right up, turn on my computer and read them. No, I did what I had to do during the day, ran my errands, had some lunch...and then checked.

Aside...I was out running errands and imagined seeing these guys I've been "matched" with on eharmony and I swear I saw one of them in an aisle at Shoppers. Was it him? Maybe, maybe not, who knows? This big city can be awfully small. Just thought it was funny that I'm thinking that when I'm only on Day 2! Ha!

So back to *Denver! I like his answers! I'm definitely interested. Now what? His profile says he prefers fast track communication to guided but he started with guided so now what? I so don't know what protocol is on these things!

According to the guided communication method, the next step is sending each other our "must haves/can't stands" - this is a list of 10 items per list that you have to have or would hate to have in a partner. It's hard to have just 10, there are closer to 50 to choose from in the list and they make you pare it down on purpose. To perhaps learn something about yourself in the process. It's a long list and I went at it by selecting all the ones I thought were "must haves" for me and then taking off ones that wouldn't make the top ten. I did the same with the "can't stands". No one can see them unless I send them. But they are pretty personal and I'm not sure that is what I next want Denver to see from me. And should I wait for him to send me his if that's the next step? Or will he send me a fast track communication request where we get to having real emails/phone calls? Or should I send him one? I only have a month! Wait, deep breath, it's Day 2. But he replied right away! But it was a Sunday...oh geez this is so very weird for me.

Oh wait, it looks like the "must haves/can't stands" can only come from me. I guess if he initiates the questions then I have to initiate the "must haves" because the next step is to read his if he sends his back. Hmmm so do I do it? Am I supposed to wait a day? Is there a waiting time like in real life dating where you wait three days to call someone? Isn't the fact that we've paid to be online for the purpose of meeting people mean that waiting times don't exist? But I don't really want to send him my must haves even though I keep re-reading them and it's a good list.

This is all so structured. After this apparently you ask each other more questions, followed by "read Dr. Warren's message" before you get to "open communication" where I think you get to email each other straight up which until now, you are unable to do unless you request a fast track. WTF? Is Dr. Warren's message just standard don't do anything stupid advice like invite the guy to your home or to a private place where he might chop you up and kill you? Or are you telling me the elves behind the site are monitoring our communication and will offer advice before we talk? I have trouble thinking that's what it is, but if its' a standard message, why do we have to wait for 4 rounds of questions and some must haves before we get to read it?

I know this is a system for a reason, they believe it works. I should just go with it and stop analyzing - right, not that easy for me! That being said, they matched me with a minister from Peterborough...I'm just saying...

I haven't heard back from the other guy I answered his questions and sent him mine, let's call him *Kansas. That's okay by me, I'm just keeping you in the loop :-) Didn't hear back from icebreaker boy yet either - let's call him *Chicago.

What else? Oh! I forgot yesterday, you can request a picture from matches. I've done this 2 or 3 times now. I liked their profile and I'm only going to know if I want to further communicate if I can see a picture. I'm not on here to make nice friends, I love my friends and can meet new ones in the real world, I'm looking for something else on here and we've already committed to trying this online thing and be judged by our words and profile so we have to put our pictures out there too. So I'm requesting it. One guy asked me to answer some questions but didn't put up a picture so let's make a deal - you post a picture and then maybe I'll answer your questions...

F*&! it, I'm sending Denver my must haves/can't stands. Or am I...aargh...

Oh and so much for my wait and see, I'm going to initiate conversation with this cute teacher from yesterday. Let's call him *Philly.

Day 2 tally:

New matches worth discussing: 0
Questions sent that were answered: 1
Questions sent & waiting to be answered: 2
Pictures requested: 2
Must haves/Can't stands sent: .........?? !!!!