Thursday
I feel like I should post a warning, that this might be a long post - but it might also be my last about eharmony. Not just because I've taken a few days off, but because it's going to be introspective. Clearly this process, adventure, journey whatever the heck this is, has changed for me. I went from fairly passive observer to a very active and smitten participant. It went from online to live, real life, faster and better than I ever could have imagined. So how do I share it with you?
I guess I should start with an update. I had a second, amazing date with *Arizona. He's incredible. We're reciprocally enamoured in a way I've never experienced before. I have no insecurities - well, I'd love to have my 28 year old body back but you know, we're talking about real life here ;-) I am already starting to want him to meet my friends, my family, share my life in a way I've never experienced. I don't know if I've ever said that - not for real. He makes me nervous and shy and excited and safe and open and hopeful...are you nauseated yet?
To be honest, I've spent most of my dating life trying to be whatever I thought the guy I was with wanted. I assessed a situation and adapted to it instead of putting what I want out there and seeing if it came back to me. Which this experience has been all about. I kind of hope that seems silly to you. I hope you don't associate with it at all... Up front, I'm on a site about finding a partner, a relationship. Up front, I'm telling random strangers who I am and what I want in that partner. Up front, I'm telling men what I "must have & can't stand" fundamentally in a partner.
For me, this is a complete turnaround. I've specialized in men that are selfish, that aren't emotionally mature, that can't say they want to see me next week without worrying I'm planning our wedding which they ultimately have no interest in. Which, if they'd spent any time getting to know me at all would realize isn't what I want either, but it's always been about them, not me. I've sought these men out. I've found lots of them that weren't even single. It was easier, I invested less, I risked less, and I got less. Way less. I get now, at 32, that it was what I was putting out there. And what I found as a result. What a revelation.
Regardless of whether *Arizona and I end up happily ever after (however we both define that), this 3 week experience has been an experience that real life dating might never have given me. I admit this blog has participated in that learning experience. I'm a private person. I started sharing this with my friends yet quickly wanted to share it with whoever wanted to read it. I got there because of the hugely positive reaction by anyone that's read any part of this. Again, what you put out there, is what you get back. I believe that. I always did but it was lip service before - in terms of relationships for me - it's how I operate in the rest of my life which has been very successful - why I sacrificed that for what is perhaps the most important part of my life - I have no idea. But I'm learning - hopefully, I've learned.
But back to *Arizona :-) It's shockingly bizarre how many things we have in common that we could never have known nor could eharmony have known. And yet eharmony matched us - immediately. We have probably crossed paths numerous times in the last 5 years - realistically, many, many times. But it took this strange online world to connect us. Why? How? Who cares? I'm not going to philosophize or justify or claim that eharmony has some sort of magic that I couldn't have found on my own. Nor am I going to say that it seems to have worked for me therefore it will work for you. I'm going to get back to that later...
So what is happening in my eharmony life? I get about 7-10 matches a day. I do look at them all - definitely not with the fervour and immediacy that I did when I started this but I look all the same. I'm human, I'm curious, I've paid for it. And I've had two dates with *Arizona. But it's in no way a safety net, I'm out there with *Arizona, no reservations, no holding back, I'm 100% in. I am smiling like an idiot savant as I walk down the street, I look forward to everything that's next for us - in time... Wait, here I am talking about *Arizona again. I was trying to talk about my eharmony experience...
Okay, so coincidentally, or not, the other guys I was talking to have been silent and absent - *Chicago and *Minnesota. Clearly they are pursuing other matches and yet they aren't so far gone as to close our communication. In fairness, neither have I. I think it's the "waiting for the other shoe to drop", or, "too good to be true" part of this that has me holding off on closing them myself. We aren't talking about 20 guys here, we're talking about 2. I've ignored or closed every other offer for contact since. No one can compete with *Arizona. Is it because he's real? No. I mean yes of course that has to factor in, but so much more importantly, it's because he's amazing, to me.
I went through the motions of cancelling my membership today. What does that mean? For anyone interested, it's a fairly cryptic system where they will automatically charge your credit card the day your month expires if you don't find this "cancellation" page. I knew this going in. But today I went to close it. It says that if I select this, the day my month expires, I cease to exist on eharmony. I'm totally fine with that. But did I close it? No. Why? I don't know. I will. I'm sure of it. Next week. I have time yet. Writing this, I feel a bit ridiculous.
I feel that I've probably been matched with anyone currently in the database that's of any interest to me. There are a whole lot of matches I am surprised eharmony deems worthy of sending me. I feel like if this doesn't work with *Arizona and I, that I'll definitely be done with eharmony for a while. I'll take a break, I'll take the summer off, I'm not desperate, I love my life and I'm now so in touch with myself I feel like I have whole new lease on my dating life. If after whatever amount of time, I want to try again, I'll shell out the $60 for another month. I have NO intention of sitting on this site month after month - even for just $20 a month - in hopes that the perfect guy is going to sign on while I sit waiting. I think it's the sitting and waiting part that disinterests me. I love my life. I tried this for fun, out of curiosity, because I felt I needed to for some reason, maybe just to get me writing more often. And hopelessly romantically, because maybe I was supposed to meet *Arizona.
So my advice? Try it. IF and it's a big IF, several of them really...IF you really can be honest with yourself in filling out the extensive profile. IF you do know what you really want. IF you are willing to put it out there. IF you can be open minded about someone's profile that might at the start, rub you the wrong way but that you can trust your instincts to pursue. IF, IF, IF. I think I was in the right place personally, emotionally, whatever-ally, for this to work. I'm not trying to deter you, I'm really trying to encourage you if you're wavering, if you're wondering. You really have nothing to lose. It's very safe and nothing if not entertaining! I also have read the data that it seems to work best for 30 somethings in densely populated areas. I'm a perfect market for their "system". But it's working for me - the data is correct. Beyond my analytical, cynical, optimistically rational self, it's working. Beyond all my reservations. Beyond my best hopes. Just know that what you put out there is what you get back. I'm glad I'm finally learning it. Seems so simple but man, its taken me a long time to learn it. And who knew this experience would teach me. Me, that thought I was immune, above, insusceptible, probably not going to be touched by this experience. Sometimes, I love being wrong.
So where does that leave us? My readers - I can't tell you how grateful I've been that any of you are reading and are interested - beyond my girls that I hope support whatever fanciful idea I come up with ;-) - but I am already at the point where it's very personal. I hope I'm not delusional to think that if I shared this with *Arizona, that he'd find it flattering? I haven't read back to see if I really believe that to be true. But this ceases to be an eharmony blog now, it's a relationship blog and I'm not sure that's fair to him. I'm still new to this blogging world.
I do promise to write again before the month expires. I do promise to update you again. Beyond that, I'm not sure. If this started as an eharmony blog then it ends here with - try it.
If it continues to be an outlet I need and enjoy then I'll figure that out. I'm just not sure how I can share this with you and not with him. Or how if I share with you and him that I can be real with either of you. I always anticipated this, I just didn't think it would happen so quickly. Or with so much anticipation and joy on my part. I think honestly that I was so much more ready for it to go on with me still not finding anyone to share my life with, with some dates with varying successes - a "sunglasses guy" here and there haha. *Arizona has taken me completely by surprise and I'm "loving every minute of it" for you Seinfeld fans :-)
Wish me luck!
Tally for Day 21:
Real life relationships happening: 1 !!!
I feel like I should post a warning, that this might be a long post - but it might also be my last about eharmony. Not just because I've taken a few days off, but because it's going to be introspective. Clearly this process, adventure, journey whatever the heck this is, has changed for me. I went from fairly passive observer to a very active and smitten participant. It went from online to live, real life, faster and better than I ever could have imagined. So how do I share it with you?
I guess I should start with an update. I had a second, amazing date with *Arizona. He's incredible. We're reciprocally enamoured in a way I've never experienced before. I have no insecurities - well, I'd love to have my 28 year old body back but you know, we're talking about real life here ;-) I am already starting to want him to meet my friends, my family, share my life in a way I've never experienced. I don't know if I've ever said that - not for real. He makes me nervous and shy and excited and safe and open and hopeful...are you nauseated yet?
To be honest, I've spent most of my dating life trying to be whatever I thought the guy I was with wanted. I assessed a situation and adapted to it instead of putting what I want out there and seeing if it came back to me. Which this experience has been all about. I kind of hope that seems silly to you. I hope you don't associate with it at all... Up front, I'm on a site about finding a partner, a relationship. Up front, I'm telling random strangers who I am and what I want in that partner. Up front, I'm telling men what I "must have & can't stand" fundamentally in a partner.
For me, this is a complete turnaround. I've specialized in men that are selfish, that aren't emotionally mature, that can't say they want to see me next week without worrying I'm planning our wedding which they ultimately have no interest in. Which, if they'd spent any time getting to know me at all would realize isn't what I want either, but it's always been about them, not me. I've sought these men out. I've found lots of them that weren't even single. It was easier, I invested less, I risked less, and I got less. Way less. I get now, at 32, that it was what I was putting out there. And what I found as a result. What a revelation.
Regardless of whether *Arizona and I end up happily ever after (however we both define that), this 3 week experience has been an experience that real life dating might never have given me. I admit this blog has participated in that learning experience. I'm a private person. I started sharing this with my friends yet quickly wanted to share it with whoever wanted to read it. I got there because of the hugely positive reaction by anyone that's read any part of this. Again, what you put out there, is what you get back. I believe that. I always did but it was lip service before - in terms of relationships for me - it's how I operate in the rest of my life which has been very successful - why I sacrificed that for what is perhaps the most important part of my life - I have no idea. But I'm learning - hopefully, I've learned.
But back to *Arizona :-) It's shockingly bizarre how many things we have in common that we could never have known nor could eharmony have known. And yet eharmony matched us - immediately. We have probably crossed paths numerous times in the last 5 years - realistically, many, many times. But it took this strange online world to connect us. Why? How? Who cares? I'm not going to philosophize or justify or claim that eharmony has some sort of magic that I couldn't have found on my own. Nor am I going to say that it seems to have worked for me therefore it will work for you. I'm going to get back to that later...
So what is happening in my eharmony life? I get about 7-10 matches a day. I do look at them all - definitely not with the fervour and immediacy that I did when I started this but I look all the same. I'm human, I'm curious, I've paid for it. And I've had two dates with *Arizona. But it's in no way a safety net, I'm out there with *Arizona, no reservations, no holding back, I'm 100% in. I am smiling like an idiot savant as I walk down the street, I look forward to everything that's next for us - in time... Wait, here I am talking about *Arizona again. I was trying to talk about my eharmony experience...
Okay, so coincidentally, or not, the other guys I was talking to have been silent and absent - *Chicago and *Minnesota. Clearly they are pursuing other matches and yet they aren't so far gone as to close our communication. In fairness, neither have I. I think it's the "waiting for the other shoe to drop", or, "too good to be true" part of this that has me holding off on closing them myself. We aren't talking about 20 guys here, we're talking about 2. I've ignored or closed every other offer for contact since. No one can compete with *Arizona. Is it because he's real? No. I mean yes of course that has to factor in, but so much more importantly, it's because he's amazing, to me.
I went through the motions of cancelling my membership today. What does that mean? For anyone interested, it's a fairly cryptic system where they will automatically charge your credit card the day your month expires if you don't find this "cancellation" page. I knew this going in. But today I went to close it. It says that if I select this, the day my month expires, I cease to exist on eharmony. I'm totally fine with that. But did I close it? No. Why? I don't know. I will. I'm sure of it. Next week. I have time yet. Writing this, I feel a bit ridiculous.
I feel that I've probably been matched with anyone currently in the database that's of any interest to me. There are a whole lot of matches I am surprised eharmony deems worthy of sending me. I feel like if this doesn't work with *Arizona and I, that I'll definitely be done with eharmony for a while. I'll take a break, I'll take the summer off, I'm not desperate, I love my life and I'm now so in touch with myself I feel like I have whole new lease on my dating life. If after whatever amount of time, I want to try again, I'll shell out the $60 for another month. I have NO intention of sitting on this site month after month - even for just $20 a month - in hopes that the perfect guy is going to sign on while I sit waiting. I think it's the sitting and waiting part that disinterests me. I love my life. I tried this for fun, out of curiosity, because I felt I needed to for some reason, maybe just to get me writing more often. And hopelessly romantically, because maybe I was supposed to meet *Arizona.
So my advice? Try it. IF and it's a big IF, several of them really...IF you really can be honest with yourself in filling out the extensive profile. IF you do know what you really want. IF you are willing to put it out there. IF you can be open minded about someone's profile that might at the start, rub you the wrong way but that you can trust your instincts to pursue. IF, IF, IF. I think I was in the right place personally, emotionally, whatever-ally, for this to work. I'm not trying to deter you, I'm really trying to encourage you if you're wavering, if you're wondering. You really have nothing to lose. It's very safe and nothing if not entertaining! I also have read the data that it seems to work best for 30 somethings in densely populated areas. I'm a perfect market for their "system". But it's working for me - the data is correct. Beyond my analytical, cynical, optimistically rational self, it's working. Beyond all my reservations. Beyond my best hopes. Just know that what you put out there is what you get back. I'm glad I'm finally learning it. Seems so simple but man, its taken me a long time to learn it. And who knew this experience would teach me. Me, that thought I was immune, above, insusceptible, probably not going to be touched by this experience. Sometimes, I love being wrong.
So where does that leave us? My readers - I can't tell you how grateful I've been that any of you are reading and are interested - beyond my girls that I hope support whatever fanciful idea I come up with ;-) - but I am already at the point where it's very personal. I hope I'm not delusional to think that if I shared this with *Arizona, that he'd find it flattering? I haven't read back to see if I really believe that to be true. But this ceases to be an eharmony blog now, it's a relationship blog and I'm not sure that's fair to him. I'm still new to this blogging world.
I do promise to write again before the month expires. I do promise to update you again. Beyond that, I'm not sure. If this started as an eharmony blog then it ends here with - try it.
If it continues to be an outlet I need and enjoy then I'll figure that out. I'm just not sure how I can share this with you and not with him. Or how if I share with you and him that I can be real with either of you. I always anticipated this, I just didn't think it would happen so quickly. Or with so much anticipation and joy on my part. I think honestly that I was so much more ready for it to go on with me still not finding anyone to share my life with, with some dates with varying successes - a "sunglasses guy" here and there haha. *Arizona has taken me completely by surprise and I'm "loving every minute of it" for you Seinfeld fans :-)
Wish me luck!
Tally for Day 21:
Real life relationships happening: 1 !!!
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